Author: mrsomner

Little White Mice Boy

2022-02-28

The Droning Voice had no idea what to expect when she snagged this small book from a box of old books belonging to a friend.  It was clearly old, and the inscription on the front cover read, “Presented to Angelo Scott by his teacher Hannie Adam – March 1892”.  The Droning Voice was quite impressed with the flourishes of the teacher’s cursive writing, and firmly believes THAT particular art form would be well-worth bringing back to our school rooms, complete with India ink and quill pens.  She adds that “Comet” brand cleanser will remove most of the ink stain from your fingers, if not the skin itself.

But she digresses.

The problem The Droning Voice faced was that there was NO copyright date inside.  So off to Amazon she went, and was delighted to find that there was not just one, but TWO copies of this same book for sale, listing the publishing date as 1870.  They were also for sale for the rather princely sum of $34 each, in case you simply must possess one.  The Droning Voice might be able to procure you a copy for considerably less, if her friend will give her a cut of the swag.

ANYWAY…..

Inside the book are 7 stories, of sorts.  They are certainly not of the swashbuckling adventure type, nor soppy romances, nor anything remotely like what you would expect ANY best-seller to be composed of.  One story is about a grandfather taking shelter in a convent in Switzerland during a snow storm, another is about how exciting it was for children to anticipate playing in snow, another is about various roses, another is a grim reminder that, during the 1870s, dead babies were kind of a regular, though sad, thing that happened.  Yes, these are stories for children.  Or so The Droning Voice assumes.

The Droning Voice has faithfully read all of the stories with the enthusiasm of asphalt.  She sincerely hopes they put you right to sleep, or at least lulls you into a stupor.

Pleasant lulling stupors!

Here is a sample of Little White Mice Boy:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Pleasant Hours with Illustrious Men and Women

2022-01-20

This book is exactly the type of biographical compilations that can put even the hard-core insomniac to sleep.  It is full of dates of births, of weddings, of deaths of relatives, of travels, of elections, performances, publications.  Some of the names included in this tome are ones most people with a passing knowledge of history will have heard of.  Others, not so much.

The Droning Voice doesn’t judge, really, but does wonder why Mozart was included with such indeed illustrious musicians as Theodore Thomas, and some guy named “Levy” (he played the cornet, by the way).  Also, her pulse quickened when she saw, in the table of contents, “Pen and Ink Sketches of President Harrison’s Cabinet”, though was disappointed to discover this section had nothing whatsoever to do with furniture.

There is a long section of various “statesmen”, perhaps giving homage to a politician’s ability to bloviate, then shorter sections for poets, writers, actors, and random ilk the author of this book decided, for some reason, to include, while deliberately snubbing other very worthy personages who well deserve to have the dates of their marriages remembered in perpetuity.

There are samples of poems, of writings, of speeches.  The Droning Voice is aware there are likely pronunciation tools available online, but steadfastly refuses to use them, preferring, instead, to drone on through, stumbling over now archaic names of cities in Africa.  If the listener is awake enough to send snarky comments to The Droning Voice, she has failed miserably in her attempt to put said listener to sleep, and gently suggests a different selection, like “Applied Electrochemistry”.

After editing for brevity, The Droning Voice nevertheless recorded for nearly eleven (11) hours to bring you this book.   She doesn’t ask for much, but The Droning Voice is grateful to all who send her various cough drops and throat remedies to keep her soothing, dulcet voice droning on.  Seriously.  Somebody send some candy.

Pleasant hours of dreams!

Here is a sample of Pleasant Hours with Illustrious Men and Women:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

 

What is Insomnia – Part 4

2021-12-13

In which The Droning Voice wanders into the vast wilderness of…..MATTRESSES.
The Droning Voice is stating up front that she has NO idea who founded the plethora of “sleep studies” out there OR who funded the various studies. And she is CERTAIN those studies were absolutely objective, and not biased towards whichever company helped provide funds for the studies.

The Sleep Foundation offers their recommendations here.

The Buyer’s Guide offers their recommendations here.

The Droning Voice got HER mattress online after perusing various websites and becoming so confused that she basically went to www.wayfair.com to purchase her most recent mattress on a Black Friday sale. It was/is some sort of memory-foam mattress, which she likes, though will note that there are people out there who vehemently dislike them. The Droning Voice ignores their complaints, and does remember, with great satisfaction, the joy of slitting the bag into which her queen-sized mattress was compressed and gleefully watching it pop open. Really, far more entertaining than most movies she has seen recently, and absolutely with more usefulness. So far, she is satisfied, but can’t remember either the brand of her mattress OR how old it is. If somebody wants to pay her a huge sum of money to claim it is THEIR brand of mattress, feel free to contact The Droning Voice. She makes no outlandish claims about her credibility regarding household purchases, so Buyer Beware.

Also, The Droning Voice finds it “interesting” that mattresses are always ON SALE!!!! Does anybody ever pay full price for one? If so, how much is that? Related to that, the price range of mattresses is, well, all over the map. The Droning Voice has a sister who paid a lot for a mattress, but her mattress is somehow linked to her phone.  Apparently it can, somehow, adjust her mattress while she is sleeping to ensure that her sleep is not interrupted by whatever not adjusting the mattress could cause. Or something like that. The Droning Voice wants to know if the mattress can also record, for posterity, any talking-in-your-sleep or gaseous output you make while sleeping, and does it then tell you to quit watching horror movies and eating beans? Also, The Droning Voice wants you to know that, since she got online to look up mattresses for the benefit of her brilliant, if not sleepy, readers, she knows she will now have her social media accounts inundated with mattress ads. Such is her dedication to YOU.

So, like pillows, the important quality to bear in mind when purchasing a mattress is to find one that is comfortable for YOU.

Also, if any mattress companies out there would like to send one to The Droning Voice for product testing, feel free to contact her.

Pleasant dreams!

Healthy Living Book 2

2021-12-05

Healthy Living by Charles-Edward Amory Winslow appears to be a textbook used in Oklahoma Public Schools at some point well into the 20th century.  How does The Droning Voice know this?  Because on the back of the book there is this notice:

“OKLAHOMA EDITION” and some other blather about it being the property of the State of Oklahoma and insinuations that the price listed had better by-golly be what is paid for the book.  If the State bought it, it was 50 cents.  If an individual bought it, the book was 55 cents.  Nowadays, of course, that would be completely flipped, with the individual paying 50 cents per book, and the State (aka “taxpayers”) paying $500 per book.  Such is progress.  There is also an “Oklahoma Supplement” after the index which discusses issues peculiar to rural living and schooling.  Lest city-slickers start feeling smug and superior, there are also plenty of smudgy photos showing tenements on the East Coast, with text describing their unsanitary conditions.  Ewwww.  There is also, in the “Oklahoma Supplement”, an early form of product placement by the Portland Cement Company of Chicago, which offered to provide – free of charge – plans for a residential septic system (at least they did in 1920).  The Droning Voice believes all her listeners would be well-advised to have a set of these plans on hand, just in case, and should immediately demand said free plans from said company.

The Droning Voice was unable to ascertain exactly what age group this book was targeting.  The illustrations show children who appear to be 8 to 10 years old engaging in “healthy” activities and games (none of which involved helmets or other protective gear) while wearing knickers and beanies.  There is also a grainy photo of a classroom where the students are all huddled under what appear to be parkas while sitting – as attentively as they can whilst being huddled – at their desks.  Apparently lack of heat was not a reason to not learn about Healthy Living back in the 1920’s.

If listening to detailed descriptions of proper sanitation both residential and municipal, microbes, diseases, and first aid are your cup of tea, this probably will not help you sleep.  If you are an “anti-vax-er” the chapter on immunization may trigger you. (Back in the 1920’s, wiping out diseases like Small-Pox seemed like a good idea.) But if you take your health for granted, if you assume you will always have fresh water and clean air, if you have a robust Health Insurance Plan that will address your every sniffle, this may be just the thing to put you to sleep.

Now open your windows for the fresh air “Healthy Living” prescribes (yes, even in the winter), and take in deep slow breaths as you lay back in the proper attire for sleeping.  Unless you live in Los Angeles, in which case, shut all the doors and windows tightly and curl up in a ball next to your air purifier.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is an example of Healthy Living Book 2:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

What is Insomnia – Part 3

2021-11-22

In which The Droning Voice wades into the murky and subjective topic of pillows.

The Droning Voice spent, of her own free will, several minutes scouring the internet for the BEST pillows, and finally landed on an article in Forbes magazine which makes it clear that an august periodical such as Forbes magazine isn’t about to take sides on the divisive topic of “pillows”. However, and The Droning Voice didn’t contact Forbes magazine to verify this, she is guessing that the manufacturers of the mentioned pillows probably, and gratefully, showed their appreciation to Forbes magazine with a monetary “donation”.

All pillow studies were performed quite scientifically, she is CERTAIN.

If you suspect your pillow could be at least part of the cause of some of your sleepless nights, The Droning Voice recommends you to do your very own scientific study, but, lacking credentials (or thugs), you may need to set aside a not insignificant amount of bucks to do it properly. Those pillows aren’t provided for FREE, especially if they are the BEST. If you are truly inspired, The Droning Voice suggests looking for a large government grant for the purpose of purchasing pillows. Hey, it might work. One never knows until they try. Let The Droning Voice know how that worked out for you.

And, given the number of studies out there showing why particular pillows by particular manufacturers are the BEST for (whatever-your-issue-is), she is confident that you will not be confused by contradictions and simply wind up purchasing whatever feels like it might be comfortable at your local bedding store. Or thrift store, though, The Droning Voice suggests fumigating the pillow if you go with the latter. Unless, of course, you believe that bed-bugs, fleas, and lice are all Part of God’s Creation, and therefore shouldn’t have their lives snuffed out simply because they spread disease and generally make people’s lives miserable. The Droning Voice knows people like this, and has never been able to spend the night at their houses. Amazing how that works out.

So, after her exhaustive internet search, The Droning Voice has concluded that you should get whatever pillow you personally find the most conducive to a good night’s sleep.

Pleasant dreams!

Cushing’s Manual

2021-11-21

The Droning Voice really wasn’t paying too much attention when she read this tome, but THIS is the book that made her realize each selection she reads should have a “slumber” rating, with 5 stars being a real drool-inducing stupor selection.

“Cushing’s Manual” gets 5 stars.

What kept The Droning Voice awake while she was reading this, was her curiosity about what kind of person this Luther Stearns Cushing was.  She can only imagine.  Was he in real life a party animal?  Did he, on occasion, sneak into an assembly hall with his hat on? Did he ever yell, “Point of order!” during sex?  Did he even HAVE sex?

This book is about Parliamentary Procedure, and is, The Droning Voice is certain, VERY important for those elected to office to have full knowledge of, so that they can, with great intent and fore-thought, ignore said procedures.  She will also point out, though, that having full knowledge of Parliamentary Procedure is probably indicative of a personalty disorder (most often found in people who run for public office), so if you meet somebody with this knowledge, you might want to cut them a wide berth.  You certainly don’t want to wind up the focus of a congressional hearing.

The Droning Voice also apologizes in advance if she misread your ancestor’s first name.  The abbreviations of names was not in any way consistent that she could figure out. However, that is exactly the kind of ambiguity that politicians like, so no surprise THERE.

Remember this book was published in 1895, so don’t get all riled up about certain amendments to the Constitution not being read.

Calm down.  Relax.  Breathe deeply.  Fall asleep while learning about Parliamentary Procedure.  God knows The Droning Voice almost did.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Cushing’s Manual:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

What is Insomnia? – Part 2

2021-11-08

The Droning Voice doesn’t care what you sleep in.  Whatever you want to wear in the privacy of your own home is nobody’s business.  There are, however, a LOT of businesses dedicated to convincing you that whatever you are wearing (or not wearing) is what is keeping you awake.

They might be correct.  Or they might just be trying to make a fast buck.  Either way, it seems that there are two basic options for sleepwear:

  1. Sleep naked
  2. Sleep in some sort of garment(s) designed for…sleep. The Droning Voice will comment that she has seen an increasing number of people actually wearing pajamas in various public places, causing her to wonder if these people are so sleep-deprived that they want to be ready to curl up in, say, the hardware department of Walmart and catch a few Zzzzs if the sleepies hit.  The Droning Voice has, so far, refrained from suggesting they also have a pillow and blanket handy.  So far.

Option 1 is self-explanatory.

Option 2, however, is quite the proverbial can of worms.  Ideally an individual wants:

  • a garment that will keep them warm, but not too warm
  • a garment that is loose enough to not cut off any necessary circulation, but not so loose that it will tangle up in knots and cause the individual to risk death-by-pajamas if they have to get up in the middle of the night to attend to potty urges, refrigerator urges, or urges to stalk ex-lovers online
  • a garment that isn’t scratchy (The Droning Voice includes this for those who need it explained)

The vast selection of sleepwear is…gob-smacking.  The Droning Voice found several selections on Amazon, though notes that many of these delightful styles can be found elsewhere.  One of these styles may suit your needs and aid you in drifting off to slumber land.  The Droning Voice will also advise that she found plenty of garments that, while meant for wearing in the bedroom, are not particularly meant to be sleep inducing.  She will also state that if you type “ridiculous pajamas” in to your search engine of choice, she is not to be blamed for any ill-advised purchases you might make, though, who knows?  Maybe your mother-in-law WILL like that Sponge Bob Square Pants sleeping ensemble.  The Droning Voice also thinks there could be a market for custom pajama bottoms that have a photo of somebody you personally despise printed right on the butt, all the better to wear when you have had a nice helping of beans and cornbread.  The meal might keep you awake, but there may be a certain amount of satisfaction knowing where the output is hitting, even though you, personally don’t have to look at it.

Pleasant dreams!

Molly Make-Believe

2021-10-25

This story is going to be difficult for anybody born after about 1970 to wrap their heads around, but, believe it or not, there used to be the equivalent of analog dating apps.  The Droning Voice remembers a very charming note received, and loving kept, by her great-grandmother which had been delivered via a messenger boy, and in which my not-yet great grandfather asked if he could enjoy her company that evening at her home….where, presumably, she would be under the watchful eyes of her parents.  Propriety, and all.

The plot of this little romance (?) involves a cold and distant socialite who can’t be bothered with her bed-ridden fiancé, leaving him to face the cold northern winter alone while she goes off to frolic in Jacksonville (Florida).  Before heading off she states upfront that she really can’t be bothered to write him more than once a week, so she leaves him a pamphlet for something called “The Serial Letter Co.”, which is kind of a pen-pal* for hire service, should he require more than a few cursory lines about the weather from his lady-love.  Letters can be received from Oriental Fairies, Historical figures, and even Plush Squirrels.  And, of course, love letters for the lonely, which is what Our Hero signs up for, innocently enough, as he wishes to provide examples of what a love letter should contain to his stately and aloof bride-to-be.  Not that she cares. Oh, no.  Today, of course, there are all sorts of ways one can snub their fiancé AND rub their faces in it by posting photos of themselves doing jello shots at beach resorts with strange men on social media. Hey, they aren’t married yet.

But back to our story:

Of course, everything goes wrong….or at least not as Our Hero thought it would.  The Droning Voice does not wish to spoil the ending for anybody wanting to listen, though is  hoping the listener will be in a drowsy stupor by then.  Still, this was one of the more engaging books she has read in the service of the insomniac, so offers a bit of caution for those of romantic inclinations.  For those into racing sports cars, the WWF, or watching programs where the goal is to determine which of three heavily tattooed men missing key teeth is the actual baby daddy, this may be just the selection for you.

Pleasant dreams!

*A “pen-pal” was a pre-internet, pre-social media way of meeting Russian women, Nigerian Princes, and, occasionally, interesting (and real) people from other countries where you could share bits about your cultures via the postal service involving actual STAMPS.

Here is a sample of Molly Make-Believe:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

What is Insomnia? – Part 1

2021-10-25

The Droning Voice thinks that if you have to ask, perhaps you don’t have it. (Or maybe you have an aversion to 4-syllable words.) It means that, for whatever reason, you can’t sleep when you should. There can be many causes of insomnia, from situational to serious. The Droning Voice does not address conditions which cause serious insomnia. She will blog about other situations which may contribute to insomnia, as a service to ALL insomniacs (of which she is one), and as a way to drive traffic to her website.

Some situations which may contribute to insomnia are more readily solved than others.

Causes of Insomnia – room temperature

Today, we address room temperature. Most so-called experts, or their websites, suggest a sleeping room temperature between 60°-68° Fahrenheit, so let’s say 65°F, which, for people who snobbishly insist on using Celsius is approximately 18.33333333333333…c.

Too Hot in bedroom – turn on the AC, or, at least, a quiet fan*. If you don’t have access to electricity, then The Droning Voice suggests wet washcloths applied liberally over your naked body, and an elegant hand fan*, preferably waved by a cabana boy in a leather loin cloth. If the cabana boy is counter-productive to falling asleep, then, sorry, you might have to wave the fan yourself. Of you could move to Alaska, though that could result in it being

Too Cold in bedroom – turn on the heat, add a blanket*, sleep with another living being that generates heat. If a person isn’t available, The Droning Voice recommends a friendly dog from your local animal shelter, though will add that some breeds snore more than others. Also, some produce an impressive amount of flatus. The Droning Voice is reminded of a long night spent with her sister and her sister’s Great Dane in which nobody got much sleep. The Droning Voice is going to just put it out there that if her sister’s Great Dane’s gaseous output could be weaponized, it could be used to disperse crowds with great effect, particularly at any political rally. The Droning Voice also has experience with cats as sleeping partners, but can’t recommend them as a rule. In her experience, it typically resulted in a certain amount of hissing, spitting, clawing, and slapping. And that was just from The Droning Voice.

Once you have your interior climate control needs met, then, of course, select one of the many questionable tomes The Droning Voice has elected to read aloud. Set the volume to just barely audible.

Pleasant dreams!

*The Droning Voice does not endorse any of the products which appear on the links, which are all to Amazon, but provides the links as a starting point for anybody interested in said items, primarily because she is lazy. If you hate Amazon and all-that-it-stands-for, then go look at Walmart’s website. Research is good. The Droning Voice adds that she is eyeballing one of those feathered hand fans, knowing that, if she buys one, she will look EXACTLY like any of the women holding one. If you want to procure a leather loin-cloth, you will have to do the research yourself.

Counterpoint

2021-08-30

This is a book for the hard-core insomniac.  Counterpoint is typically studied as a discreet music course in college, which is then immediately forgotten by the students upon embarking on a professional career, except for those who are enamored by the works of J.S. Bach and others of his ilk.  If you are one of those people, The Droning Voice encourages you to consider a different selection, one that – by its very inclusion on this website – will cause you to question the intellectual capacity of the curator(s) of this website.  If however, you are inclined toward the literary works of modern authors (I won’t name names, but you know who they are), this is the selection for you.

Counterpoint includes words in Latin, and musical terms which the author assumes that anybody in the study of music would understand, the tacit implication being that, if you don’t, you are an ignorant bonehead.  Lenience is granted towards those not in the serious study of music, but just barely.  There are gobs of fine examples of proper counterpont (in various species), which The Droning Voice has not bothered to decipher.  If the curiosity of the listener simply must be satisfied, The Droning Voice notes that copies of this book may be readily purchased at Amazon very inexpensively, such is the desire of the sellers to be rid of said title.

While opera glasses are not required for listening to this selection, they may help you get in the proper frame of mind.  A generalized stupor prior to dropping off to sleep is the goal.  You may reach that state during the Preface.  Trust The Droning Voice.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Counterpoint:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.