Author: mrsomner

What is Insomnia – Part 4

December 13, 2021

In which The Droning Voice wanders into the vast wilderness of…..MATTRESSES.
The Droning Voice is stating up front that she has NO idea who founded the plethora of “sleep studies” out there OR who funded the various studies. And she is CERTAIN those studies were absolutely objective, and not biased towards whichever company helped provide funds for the studies.

The Sleep Foundation offers their recommendations here.

The Buyer’s Guide offers their recommendations here.

The Droning Voice got HER mattress online after perusing various websites and becoming so confused that she basically went to www.wayfair.com to purchase her most recent mattress on a Black Friday sale. It was/is some sort of memory-foam mattress, which she likes, though will note that there are people out there who vehemently dislike them. The Droning Voice ignores their complaints, and does remember, with great satisfaction, the joy of slitting the bag into which her queen-sized mattress was compressed and gleefully watching it pop open. Really, far more entertaining than most movies she has seen recently, and absolutely with more usefulness. So far, she is satisfied, but can’t remember either the brand of her mattress OR how old it is. If somebody wants to pay her a huge sum of money to claim it is THEIR brand of mattress, feel free to contact The Droning Voice. She makes no outlandish claims about her credibility regarding household purchases, so Buyer Beware.

Also, The Droning Voice finds it “interesting” that mattresses are always ON SALE!!!! Does anybody ever pay full price for one? If so, how much is that? Related to that, the price range of mattresses is, well, all over the map. The Droning Voice has a sister who paid a lot for a mattress, but her mattress is somehow linked to her phone.  Apparently it can, somehow, adjust her mattress while she is sleeping to ensure that her sleep is not interrupted by whatever not adjusting the mattress could cause. Or something like that. The Droning Voice wants to know if the mattress can also record, for posterity, any talking-in-your-sleep or gaseous output you make while sleeping, and does it then tell you to quit watching horror movies and eating beans? Also, The Droning Voice wants you to know that, since she got online to look up mattresses for the benefit of her brilliant, if not sleepy, readers, she knows she will now have her social media accounts inundated with mattress ads. Such is her dedication to YOU.

So, like pillows, the important quality to bear in mind when purchasing a mattress is to find one that is comfortable for YOU.

Also, if any mattress companies out there would like to send one to The Droning Voice for product testing, feel free to contact her.

Pleasant dreams!

Healthy Living Book 2

December 5, 2021

Healthy Living by Charles-Edward Amory Winslow appears to be a textbook used in Oklahoma Public Schools at some point well into the 20th century.  How does The Droning Voice know this?  Because on the back of the book there is this notice:

“OKLAHOMA EDITION” and some other blather about it being the property of the State of Oklahoma and insinuations that the price listed had better by-golly be what is paid for the book.  If the State bought it, it was 50 cents.  If an individual bought it, the book was 55 cents.  Nowadays, of course, that would be completely flipped, with the individual paying 50 cents per book, and the State (aka “taxpayers”) paying $500 per book.  Such is progress.  There is also an “Oklahoma Supplement” after the index which discusses issues peculiar to rural living and schooling.  Lest city-slickers start feeling smug and superior, there are also plenty of smudgy photos showing tenements on the East Coast, with text describing their unsanitary conditions.  Ewwww.  There is also, in the “Oklahoma Supplement”, an early form of product placement by the Portland Cement Company of Chicago, which offered to provide – free of charge – plans for a residential septic system (at least they did in 1920).  The Droning Voice believes all her listeners would be well-advised to have a set of these plans on hand, just in case, and should immediately demand said free plans from said company.

The Droning Voice was unable to ascertain exactly what age group this book was targeting.  The illustrations show children who appear to be 8 to 10 years old engaging in “healthy” activities and games (none of which involved helmets or other protective gear) while wearing knickers and beanies.  There is also a grainy photo of a classroom where the students are all huddled under what appear to be parkas while sitting – as attentively as they can whilst being huddled – at their desks.  Apparently lack of heat was not a reason to not learn about Healthy Living back in the 1920’s.

If listening to detailed descriptions of proper sanitation both residential and municipal, microbes, diseases, and first aid are your cup of tea, this probably will not help you sleep.  If you are an “anti-vax-er” the chapter on immunization may trigger you. (Back in the 1920’s, wiping out diseases like Small-Pox seemed like a good idea.) But if you take your health for granted, if you assume you will always have fresh water and clean air, if you have a robust Health Insurance Plan that will address your every sniffle, this may be just the thing to put you to sleep.

Now open your windows for the fresh air “Healthy Living” prescribes (yes, even in the winter), and take in deep slow breaths as you lay back in the proper attire for sleeping.  Unless you live in Los Angeles, in which case, shut all the doors and windows tightly and curl up in a ball next to your air purifier.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is an example of Healthy Living Book 2:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

What is Insomnia – Part 3

November 22, 2021

In which The Droning Voice wades into the murky and subjective topic of pillows.

The Droning Voice spent, of her own free will, several minutes scouring the internet for the BEST pillows, and finally landed on an article in Forbes magazine which makes it clear that an august periodical such as Forbes magazine isn’t about to take sides on the divisive topic of “pillows”. However, and The Droning Voice didn’t contact Forbes magazine to verify this, she is guessing that the manufacturers of the mentioned pillows probably, and gratefully, showed their appreciation to Forbes magazine with a monetary “donation”.

All pillow studies were performed quite scientifically, she is CERTAIN.

If you suspect your pillow could be at least part of the cause of some of your sleepless nights, The Droning Voice recommends you to do your very own scientific study, but, lacking credentials (or thugs), you may need to set aside a not insignificant amount of bucks to do it properly. Those pillows aren’t provided for FREE, especially if they are the BEST. If you are truly inspired, The Droning Voice suggests looking for a large government grant for the purpose of purchasing pillows. Hey, it might work. One never knows until they try. Let The Droning Voice know how that worked out for you.

And, given the number of studies out there showing why particular pillows by particular manufacturers are the BEST for (whatever-your-issue-is), she is confident that you will not be confused by contradictions and simply wind up purchasing whatever feels like it might be comfortable at your local bedding store. Or thrift store, though, The Droning Voice suggests fumigating the pillow if you go with the latter. Unless, of course, you believe that bed-bugs, fleas, and lice are all Part of God’s Creation, and therefore shouldn’t have their lives snuffed out simply because they spread disease and generally make people’s lives miserable. The Droning Voice knows people like this, and has never been able to spend the night at their houses. Amazing how that works out.

So, after her exhaustive internet search, The Droning Voice has concluded that you should get whatever pillow you personally find the most conducive to a good night’s sleep.

Pleasant dreams!

Cushing’s Manual

November 21, 2021

The Droning Voice really wasn’t paying too much attention when she read this tome, but THIS is the book that made her realize each selection she reads should have a “slumber” rating, with 5 stars being a real drool-inducing stupor selection.

“Cushing’s Manual” gets 5 stars.

What kept The Droning Voice awake while she was reading this, was her curiosity about what kind of person this Luther Stearns Cushing was.  She can only imagine.  Was he in real life a party animal?  Did he, on occasion, sneak into an assembly hall with his hat on? Did he ever yell, “Point of order!” during sex?  Did he even HAVE sex?

This book is about Parliamentary Procedure, and is, The Droning Voice is certain, VERY important for those elected to office to have full knowledge of, so that they can, with great intent and fore-thought, ignore said procedures.  She will also point out, though, that having full knowledge of Parliamentary Procedure is probably indicative of a personalty disorder (most often found in people who run for public office), so if you meet somebody with this knowledge, you might want to cut them a wide berth.  You certainly don’t want to wind up the focus of a congressional hearing.

The Droning Voice also apologizes in advance if she misread your ancestor’s first name.  The abbreviations of names was not in any way consistent that she could figure out. However, that is exactly the kind of ambiguity that politicians like, so no surprise THERE.

Remember this book was published in 1895, so don’t get all riled up about certain amendments to the Constitution not being read.

Calm down.  Relax.  Breathe deeply.  Fall asleep while learning about Parliamentary Procedure.  God knows The Droning Voice almost did.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Cushing’s Manual:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

What is Insomnia? – Part 2

November 8, 2021

The Droning Voice doesn’t care what you sleep in.  Whatever you want to wear in the privacy of your own home is nobody’s business.  There are, however, a LOT of businesses dedicated to convincing you that whatever you are wearing (or not wearing) is what is keeping you awake.

They might be correct.  Or they might just be trying to make a fast buck.  Either way, it seems that there are two basic options for sleepwear:

  1. Sleep naked
  2. Sleep in some sort of garment(s) designed for…sleep. The Droning Voice will comment that she has seen an increasing number of people actually wearing pajamas in various public places, causing her to wonder if these people are so sleep-deprived that they want to be ready to curl up in, say, the hardware department of Walmart and catch a few Zzzzs if the sleepies hit.  The Droning Voice has, so far, refrained from suggesting they also have a pillow and blanket handy.  So far.

Option 1 is self-explanatory.

Option 2, however, is quite the proverbial can of worms.  Ideally an individual wants:

  • a garment that will keep them warm, but not too warm
  • a garment that is loose enough to not cut off any necessary circulation, but not so loose that it will tangle up in knots and cause the individual to risk death-by-pajamas if they have to get up in the middle of the night to attend to potty urges, refrigerator urges, or urges to stalk ex-lovers online
  • a garment that isn’t scratchy (The Droning Voice includes this for those who need it explained)

The vast selection of sleepwear is…gob-smacking.  The Droning Voice found several selections on Amazon, though notes that many of these delightful styles can be found elsewhere.  One of these styles may suit your needs and aid you in drifting off to slumber land.  The Droning Voice will also advise that she found plenty of garments that, while meant for wearing in the bedroom, are not particularly meant to be sleep inducing.  She will also state that if you type “ridiculous pajamas” in to your search engine of choice, she is not to be blamed for any ill-advised purchases you might make, though, who knows?  Maybe your mother-in-law WILL like that Sponge Bob Square Pants sleeping ensemble.  The Droning Voice also thinks there could be a market for custom pajama bottoms that have a photo of somebody you personally despise printed right on the butt, all the better to wear when you have had a nice helping of beans and cornbread.  The meal might keep you awake, but there may be a certain amount of satisfaction knowing where the output is hitting, even though you, personally don’t have to look at it.

Pleasant dreams!

Molly Make-Believe

October 25, 2021

This story is going to be difficult for anybody born after about 1970 to wrap their heads around, but, believe it or not, there used to be the equivalent of analog dating apps.  The Droning Voice remembers a very charming note received, and loving kept, by her great-grandmother which had been delivered via a messenger boy, and in which my not-yet great grandfather asked if he could enjoy her company that evening at her home….where, presumably, she would be under the watchful eyes of her parents.  Propriety, and all.

The plot of this little romance (?) involves a cold and distant socialite who can’t be bothered with her bed-ridden fiancé, leaving him to face the cold northern winter alone while she goes off to frolic in Jacksonville (Florida).  Before heading off she states upfront that she really can’t be bothered to write him more than once a week, so she leaves him a pamphlet for something called “The Serial Letter Co.”, which is kind of a pen-pal* for hire service, should he require more than a few cursory lines about the weather from his lady-love.  Letters can be received from Oriental Fairies, Historical figures, and even Plush Squirrels.  And, of course, love letters for the lonely, which is what Our Hero signs up for, innocently enough, as he wishes to provide examples of what a love letter should contain to his stately and aloof bride-to-be.  Not that she cares. Oh, no.  Today, of course, there are all sorts of ways one can snub their fiancé AND rub their faces in it by posting photos of themselves doing jello shots at beach resorts with strange men on social media. Hey, they aren’t married yet.

But back to our story:

Of course, everything goes wrong….or at least not as Our Hero thought it would.  The Droning Voice does not wish to spoil the ending for anybody wanting to listen, though is  hoping the listener will be in a drowsy stupor by then.  Still, this was one of the more engaging books she has read in the service of the insomniac, so offers a bit of caution for those of romantic inclinations.  For those into racing sports cars, the WWF, or watching programs where the goal is to determine which of three heavily tattooed men missing key teeth is the actual baby daddy, this may be just the selection for you.

Pleasant dreams!

*A “pen-pal” was a pre-internet, pre-social media way of meeting Russian women, Nigerian Princes, and, occasionally, interesting (and real) people from other countries where you could share bits about your cultures via the postal service involving actual STAMPS.

Here is a sample of Molly Make-Believe:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

What is Insomnia? – Part 1

October 25, 2021

The Droning Voice thinks that if you have to ask, perhaps you don’t have it. (Or maybe you have an aversion to 4-syllable words.) It means that, for whatever reason, you can’t sleep when you should. There can be many causes of insomnia, from situational to serious. The Droning Voice does not address conditions which cause serious insomnia. She will blog about other situations which may contribute to insomnia, as a service to ALL insomniacs (of which she is one), and as a way to drive traffic to her website.

Some situations which may contribute to insomnia are more readily solved than others.

Causes of Insomnia – room temperature

Today, we address room temperature. Most so-called experts, or their websites, suggest a sleeping room temperature between 60°-68° Fahrenheit, so let’s say 65°F, which, for people who snobbishly insist on using Celsius is approximately 18.33333333333333…c.

Too Hot in bedroom – turn on the AC, or, at least, a quiet fan*. If you don’t have access to electricity, then The Droning Voice suggests wet washcloths applied liberally over your naked body, and an elegant hand fan*, preferably waved by a cabana boy in a leather loin cloth. If the cabana boy is counter-productive to falling asleep, then, sorry, you might have to wave the fan yourself. Of you could move to Alaska, though that could result in it being

Too Cold in bedroom – turn on the heat, add a blanket*, sleep with another living being that generates heat. If a person isn’t available, The Droning Voice recommends a friendly dog from your local animal shelter, though will add that some breeds snore more than others. Also, some produce an impressive amount of flatus. The Droning Voice is reminded of a long night spent with her sister and her sister’s Great Dane in which nobody got much sleep. The Droning Voice is going to just put it out there that if her sister’s Great Dane’s gaseous output could be weaponized, it could be used to disperse crowds with great effect, particularly at any political rally. The Droning Voice also has experience with cats as sleeping partners, but can’t recommend them as a rule. In her experience, it typically resulted in a certain amount of hissing, spitting, clawing, and slapping. And that was just from The Droning Voice.

Once you have your interior climate control needs met, then, of course, select one of the many questionable tomes The Droning Voice has elected to read aloud. Set the volume to just barely audible.

Pleasant dreams!

*The Droning Voice does not endorse any of the products which appear on the links, which are all to Amazon, but provides the links as a starting point for anybody interested in said items, primarily because she is lazy. If you hate Amazon and all-that-it-stands-for, then go look at Walmart’s website. Research is good. The Droning Voice adds that she is eyeballing one of those feathered hand fans, knowing that, if she buys one, she will look EXACTLY like any of the women holding one. If you want to procure a leather loin-cloth, you will have to do the research yourself.

Counterpoint

August 30, 2021

This is a book for the hard-core insomniac.  Counterpoint is typically studied as a discreet music course in college, which is then immediately forgotten by the students upon embarking on a professional career, except for those who are enamored by the works of J.S. Bach and others of his ilk.  If you are one of those people, The Droning Voice encourages you to consider a different selection, one that – by its very inclusion on this website – will cause you to question the intellectual capacity of the curator(s) of this website.  If however, you are inclined toward the literary works of modern authors (I won’t name names, but you know who they are), this is the selection for you.

Counterpoint includes words in Latin, and musical terms which the author assumes that anybody in the study of music would understand, the tacit implication being that, if you don’t, you are an ignorant bonehead.  Lenience is granted towards those not in the serious study of music, but just barely.  There are gobs of fine examples of proper counterpont (in various species), which The Droning Voice has not bothered to decipher.  If the curiosity of the listener simply must be satisfied, The Droning Voice notes that copies of this book may be readily purchased at Amazon very inexpensively, such is the desire of the sellers to be rid of said title.

While opera glasses are not required for listening to this selection, they may help you get in the proper frame of mind.  A generalized stupor prior to dropping off to sleep is the goal.  You may reach that state during the Preface.  Trust The Droning Voice.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Counterpoint:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Art of Writing and Speaking the English Language – Grammar and Punctuation

June 23, 2021

Now THIS is a useful little tome, one of which The Droning Voice wishes was still used in Elementary schools today, which teaches people the RULES (which should be rigorously enforced) prior to penning your inmost, deepest thoughts before sharing those same thoughts with the general public in the form of Rap Music.  Or modern journalism.

You can tell this book is written by a True Grammarian, not only because of the careful distinction between complex and compound sentences (now with MORE diagrams!), but also because this book has, ahem, not just one, but TWO “Chapter 9”’s.  Clearly grammar was WAY more important than keeping track of the numbering of the chapters prior to publishing, which may have been put together based on the number of digits Mr. Cody had available on his hands.  The Droning Voice understands that it is possible Mr. Cody may have lost one or more of those fingers in a tragic can-opener accident, and therefore gets that he may have had fewer digits to work with than most of the population.  She doesn’t know this for a fact, though.  However the numbering system for chapters was decided upon, The Droning Voice sympathizes.  “Math is hard!”, especially when you have been trying to wrap your head around whatever the hell a “copulative conjunction” is.  Mr. Cody didn’t appear to have any trouble with the fine distinction.  In fact, The Droning Voice suspects he spent a good deal of time figuring this one out, just so he could be a rock star at Grammarian conventions.  And you know those are just a steaming pile of awesome.  One can only imagine the late-nights – involving fine brandies – in which the comma, semi-colon, and colon are fiercely (though cordially) debated.  Condescension required. For those of you who just can’t get enough, The Droning Voice suggests roaming over to the various grammar resources on the ‘net.  Here is one that should be fun for the whole family!

https://grammarist.com/grammar/conjunctions/

The first part of the book, “grammar”, relies heavily upon examples from the Victorian Best Seller, “The King of the Golden River”.  The Droning Voice believes it is clear that Mr. Cody was in the pocket of the publisher, such was his insistence that the student read that little story.  Thankfully, “The King of the Golden River” is now in the Public Domain, so can be found in its entirety “for FREE (!)” online, along with its many critiques from people who appear to spend their evenings reading Victorian literature instead of tipping cows.

Hey, you have to understand the RULES of grammar before you break them.  A ever-so-slight turning up of the lips along with an arched eyebrow will help other grammarians understand when one is doing such an thing.

Pleasant Dreams!

Here is a sample of The Art of Writing and Speaking the English Language – Grammar and Punctuation:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Peter of New Amsterdam

May 26, 2021

This is a fictionalized account of the founding of the settlement of New York City, from the purchase of Manhattan Island  from the local tribe of savages/brown men/indians who were either peaceable or, well, savage, depending upon the moment.  The supposed narrator of the story, a boy (Peter) of about 10 years of age when the story begins, is an English orphan, taken by the director of the Dutch West India Company to help settle the New World.  He is then put in charge of the storehouse of items with which to barter with the locals, as an early example of “on the job training”.  The Droning Voice believes there are many current offices in which a random 10 year-old boy (or 8 year-old girl) would certainly do no worse than whomever is currently in said office, and probably would do better.  But she digresses.

Peter witnesses the purchase of the island from the locals, is impacted by the bad judgment of various directors sent over from Holland, sees the Dutch kick the Swedes out, all the while trading and skirmishing with the natives.  And THEN he gets to be on hand when the English take control,  kick out the Dutch overlords, and change the name of the settlement from “New Amsterdam” to “The Big Apple”.

If you are of such delicate sensibilities that the mention of historical terms to describe non-caucasians, you would be well-advised to skip this little selection, tedious as it may be.  Also there is reference to some pretty grotesque punishments for not attending the proper church, causing The Droning Voice to wonder what those meting out such punishments would do if they were somehow teleported to the middle of Times Square on any Friday night at any time post 1970.  She is guessing they would spontaneously combust, not that anybody in Times Square would notice.  Noticing things like that is for tourists.

This book is fiction, but the author managed to keep the plot moving at a glacial pace, so, rest assured, it  should put you right to sleep.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Peter of New Amsterdam:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Bunny Brown and His Sister Sue

April 14, 2021

This book starts with a monkey attack, and ends with a small boy beating the stuffing out of his sister’s doll with a heavy stick.  This could be too exciting for today’s audience, who mostly sit around staring at whatever personal device is currently in their hands.  Some of them are probably looking up “monkey attack.”

But never fear.  This is a droning of the antics of a early 20th century little boy and his sister.  If anybody is paying any attention whatsoever to the storyline, most will be gobsmacked that the Dpt. Of Human Services didn’t just come by and send those kids into foster care, given how absolutely inattentive their parents were to their whereabouts, and basically let them wander about all over town like feral cats.  Bunny and Sue blatantly trespass – several times, go joy-riding in a boat, sneak into a movie theater without paying AND also on an automobile.  Hijinks ensue.  Bunny appropriates the claw of a dead  crustacean to wear as a nose.  Sue smears mud all over herself in her attempt to be Robinson Crusoe’s man “Friday”.

So, yeah, there are plenty of things at which to be offended, if that is your comfort zone.  The Droning Voice gently suggests that, if you are paying that close of attention, this story may be just too enthralling for you.  However, the first chapter spends a number of pages on the children waking up and getting dressed.  You could be asleep in record time.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Bunny Brown and His Sister Sue:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Half Hours in the Tiny World

March 19, 2021

The Droning Voice hardly knows where to start.  First of all, this book appears to have been written by an actual Englishman, living in England.  There are references to geographical locations, which The Droning Voice is certain every good English boy and girl are keenly aware of.  American children though, and The Droning Voice proudly hails from America’s heartland, are typically more interested in the geographic location of their cell-phone, from where they can send selfies to their followers on whatever social media is the current favorite.

All that to say The Droning Voice is very sorry she didn’t attempt an English accent, which would make her stumbling over certain Latin words sound more erudite, and perhaps a bit more snooty, though she guesses that the very prose of this book will have most light-weight insomniacs snoring after the first few minutes, in spite of her lack of a charming accent.  Here is a short example:

“None of the sweetest, we fear, if it smacks of the tone and temper wherewith it is proclaimed. It may sometimes be found to be but lost labour that we haste to rise up early, so late take rest, if our worldly store lack the mellow sweetness of an abundance culled from earthly flowers, under the sunshine of a heavenly blessing, among the unselfish fellowships and countless charities of life, which are as the pleasant hum of bees in the sultry air of a summer’s day of toil.”

The Droning Voice is, of course, certain that the reader of this text has already ascertained that the above paragraph is about bees.  If the reader is still awake.

This is a book primarily about insects, though the author also expounds on coral, beavers, and by-God-using-your-eyes.  He also quotes from a book he read when he was young.  It clearly made quite an impression on him, though it apparently didn’t have fine and pretty pictures like the books children in the late 1800’s enjoyed.  Oh, no. Not that he was bitter.The Droning Voice notes that this book was written for children in the late 1800s, so you might want to have a dictionary nearby for some of the longer words, if you are paying any attention whatsoever. Good luck figuring out how some words are spelled.

Sleep well!

Here is a sample of Half Hours in the Tiny World:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Lady of the Lake

February 23, 2021

Apparently there were several “Lady of the Lake” legends or stories or whatever the heck they are called.  THIS one was written by Sir Walter Scott, Bart., which The Droning Voice assumes stands for “Baronet”, though she acknowledges that it could mean something Piratical, since her mind went straight to “Black Bart”, God Only Knows Why.

Baronet (berənət) a member of the lowest hereditary titled British order, with the status of a commoner but able to use the prefix “Sir.”

At any rate, this was a VERY popular poem/story when it first came out, which probably meant the pirate or Baronet had to go on book tours explaining all the end notes in person.  Normally, The Droning Voice avoids tomes of any noted popularity, but this particular book was very appealing in that it was relatively small, and it had gilt-edged pages.  Plus it had words in GAELIC, which, if you thought The Droning Voice had a hard time with French, you should hear this.  If The Droning Voice has any Scottish listeners, please don’t allow this to become an International Incident.  And, in order to deflect any rage directed at her, she wants to point out that she once went to Edinburgh, and one of her hosts commented that people up around Inverness talk funny.

This has a bit of battle excitement in it, so be fore-warned.  Some people may find scenes of daring-do calming if not downright boring.  These people, by the way, need to be avoided. The printing was also somewhat patchy, in places, in this edition, so The Droning Voice stumbles here and there, trying to figure out exactly what was written by Sir Walter Scott, Bart.   Her performance, though, is, as always, delivered with the enthusiasm of asphalt, complete with potholes.

Oh, the poem?  It’s about Scottish stuff that happened in the reign of James V., at least as best as The Droning Voice could figure out.  She wasn’t paying close attention.

Sleep well!

Here is a sample of The Lady of the Lake:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Science of Life

January 27, 2021

“Must humanity forever ignore a subject thus infinitely eventful to all parents and children, communities and the race!  No, thunders out this volume!”  Just to be clear, the volume may thunder, but The Droning Voice does not.  In fact, she stumbled over a number of words in this book, some of which she is convinced the author made up.  Sometimes she even got to the end of a section without having any recollection of what she just droned, which is how enthralling this book is.

Because in the 1870s, phrenology was all the rage.  Or at least The Droning Voice supposes.  There are those that claim phrenology is a pseudo-science, which the Droning Voice is absolutely certain would send the Author of this tome into an seething rage.  Phrenology, according to Dr. Fowler, is a SCIENCE.  Period.  And if you do not use phrenology to help you select your life partner, then you deserve what is coming to you.  For those rubes out there who are unenlightened, phrenology is the SCIENCE of reading bumps on an individual’s head/skull with the idea that somebody trained in the SCIENCE of feeling said bumps can tell you all you need to know about that individual. You might be able to hide your seamy proclivities from your family and spouse, but not from a phrenologist.  It’s true because it is SCIENCE.

This was called “The Naughty Book” by the bookseller The Droning Voice purchased it from.  Really, the marketing ploy could not have been better, and caused the DV to shell out more money than she normally would have.  At over 1000 pages, this book did not disappoint, though was hardly titillating by today’s standards.  The sex ed portion was informative, but probably not as much as streaming porn is today.

Bits of this book may cause some sensitive souls to lift their fists in fury at the racism/sexism/whatever-ism is their particular outrage du jour.  The Droning Voice acknowledges their right to be outraged, and to encourage them to take solace in how far we have come in the 150 years since this was penned.  If taking solace doesn’t help, The Droning Voice suggests a safe room and an emotional support animal.

Dr. Fowler sternly admonishes against fashion, reading novels, breathing bad air, alcohol, and many more fun things which make life enjoyable.  The Droning Voice is sure he was just a bucket of fun at any party.

Dr. Fowler also explains what causes various birthmarks based on empirical evidence from his devotees.  Nearly all are caused by the mother-to-be craving a certain food, or by being startled by….something random.   Beware!!!

Here is a sample from Science of Life:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Applied Electrochemistry

December 25, 2020

The Droning Voice is stating, for the record, that she is EXTREMELY grateful for those pioneering scientists who made it possible not only for her to flip a switch and have a cup of coffee in the morning, but also to flip other switches and have lights AND cool (or warm) air in her very charming abode.  Plus her life would be significantly diminished without her battery-powered “Tasmanian Devil” (Looney Tunes) plush toy.

For the record.

She also wants to state, for the record,  that she is fairly confident advances in electrochemistry have been made since this compact and extremely informational book was written, so don’t get all up in her face about LED bulbs or the latest efficiency ratings of your massive fridge.  A) She doesn’t care, and B) she probably has no idea what you are talking about.  The Droning Voice got HER degrees at excellent Liberal Arts universities (in case that wasn’t ludicrously obvious).

This is cutting-edge science from nearly 100 years ago.  Fans of “Re-enactments” are welcome to take a look at some of the grainy photographs in the book and re-enact iron ore smelting (or whatever those grim faced men are doing), using really old equipment that may or may not kill them, if that is what they desire to do.  The Droning Voice won’t stand in judgment of your insane fantasies. The Droning Voice was somewhat disappointed that the chapter on “Electrolysis” had nothing whatsoever to do with a permanent solution to zapping chin hairs into oblivion, though is certain that this important application of electrical science would be heartily approved of by the author.

There is also an EXAM at the end of the book, with a stern admonishment to “use your own words.”  The Droning Voice positively (hah!) assures her listeners that she can answer every single question in this exam, to wit:

“1. How may chemical reactions be classified?” – From what The Droning Voice gathered, those that explode and those that don’t explode.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Applied Electrochemistry:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Grammar of Palmistry

October 15, 2020

If there was ever a book that is bound to irritate a wide range of listeners, this is it.  The Droning Voice was truly uncertain what genre to label this, so she headed to that known repository of wisdom: Amazon.  When that source failed her, she gave a deep sigh (as she is wont to do), and clicked on over to The Library of Congress.  That’s right.  She got the government involved.  Or at least governmental librarians, which is kind of a scary thought.  ANYWAY, the Library of Congress, with great confidence, had placed this particular title under the heading of “Science”, which may explain the government’s approach to investing AND foreign policy.

So don’t write The Droning Voice hateful comments about the genre of this book, if you are a person inclined to think that such endeavors as palm-reading are pure hokum.  Its validity has been backed by the full power of the US Government.  For those of you who believe deeply in the healing power of crystals, essential oils, and the like, this book will keep you wide awake, and The Droning Voice recommends a different selection.  Besides, you will become frustrated trying to figure out which mound is Saturn’s and which is Luna, etc.  At least, The Droning Voice did.

The Droning Voice wants to comment that there are some very informative illustrations in the actual book, and notes that some enterprising person is selling facsimiles of it on Amazon.  You can also find all sorts of helpful images of a person’s palm online, none of which are contradictory.  She refuses to discuss what her OWN palm says, though notes it is probably better not to get cross-wise with her.

And on that note….pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Grammar of Palmistry:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Lalla Rookh

August 29, 2020

This book has been described as “An Oriental Romance”, which takes place on a journey from somewhere in India to somewhere else, and has as its main characters Lalla Rookh, a princess going off to marry some king of some place whom she has never met, and a poet in her entourage who entertains her with, guess what, poems, because nothing makes a tedious journey just fly by than POETRY.  The Droning Voice thinks more parents of young children should employ it as entertainment when taking their young children on road trips.  The tears that inevitably will flow will no doubt be tears of joy.

Oh, and for those of a more, uhm, prurient bent, The Droning Voice carefully raises an eyebrow AND slightly lowers her spectacles while assuring said listeners that the phrase “Oriental Romance” has NOTHING to do with the Kama Sutra in this case.

There is a long preface, much of which (for some ridiculous reason) is written in French, and which, in spite of her lack of education in such matters, The Droning Voice went ahead and read.  The same holds true for the “notes” (which went on for PAGES) at the end of the book. Have great fun at her expense, if you consider yourself a Francophile.  The Droning Voice really doesn’t care.  There are also a lot of names of peoples and places of uncertain pronunciation, at least for The Droning Voice, but she resolutely droned on.  If you want perfect French, move to Paris, because nobody appears to be in agreement on the correct pronunciation of this exceedingly pretentious language, at least in the United States.

This book was considered a classic at one time, and may very well still be, though the persons whom she asked, many of whom finished high school, had never heard of it.  The Droning Voice never read it, devoting her reading time to other classics, such as “Jaws”, and whatever other books were popular amongst high school students at the time, including those being roundly condemned by religious groups.  NOTHING moves a book to the top of the Best Seller list than being roundly condemned by religious groups.

The Droning Voice wasn’t really paying too much attention whilst reading this book, but was able to discern that the princess winds up falling in love with the poet, who, guess what, turns out to be the very King she is going to marry. 

And with that spoiler, pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Lalla Rookh:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Princess

July 15, 2020

Although this poem, or whatever you want to call it, was penned by no less a personage as Tennyson, The Droning Voice was WAY more familiar with the plot due to her exposure, at an impressionable age, to “Princess Ida” – an operetta by the team of Gilbert & Sullivan, known in the vernacular as “G&S”.  After she got hip-deep into the drone, she realized from whence Mr. Gilbert borrowed the plot of “Princess Ida”, and pondered, briefly, if she should continue the drone.  She is not so much afraid of the Tennyson fans as she is the G&S fans.  Those people are, well, fervent admirers of G&S, right up there with admirers of Star Trek, Star Wars, birding, model trains, and Ham radio, none of whom she wants to cross.

Still, given that “Princess Ida” is one of the lesser known G&S operettas, she went right on with the drone.  The Droning Voice is a firm believer in source material, so if you are a fan of G&S, she dares you to listen to this particular drone and try to find your favorite aria, duet, chorus number.  Hey, she was actually in a production of “Princess Ida”, and learned at least a small amount about the character she played from droning the poem, though she can’t really remember exactly what that was.  She will state, however, that her admiration of Mr. Gilbert’s ability to wade through dense poetry to find an actual plot to swipe has been enhanced greatly.

The plot, sorta, is that a group of proto-feminists have opened an all girls school, and they hate men.  Three guys, one of whom was actually married to Princess Ida (OK, he was 2 years-old when that happened, but still), manage to pretend to be girls and infiltrate the school.  The plot thickens.  Fans of “Some Like it Hot”, and/or cross-dressing may find this poem a bit too titillating, but The Droning Voice will allow you to decide for yourself whether this is true for you or not with this brief sample:

“On the lecture slate the circle rounded under female hands with flawless demonstration: follow’d then a classic lecture, rich in sentiment, with scraps of thunderous Epic lilted out by violet-hooded Doctors, elegies and quoted odes, and jewels five-words-long that on the stretch’d forefinger of all Time sparkle for ever:….”

The Droning Voice nearly dozed off while typing the above snippet.  Perhaps you will, too.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Princess:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Chatterbox

June 23, 2020

The Droning Voice hardly knows where to start.  First of all, this is an anthology compiled, she believes, with pre-teen boys in mind.  Pre-teen boys of 1915, who lived in England.  So never mind the imperialism (and the blatant sexism).  If the listener manages to stay awake, they will learn many fascinating things, including:

  • The life cycle of a gnat
  • All about antique furniture (the author wasn’t a fan of current styles in 1915)
  • Random biographies of obscure men
  • All about British trees (in poetry form)
  • The various forms of slang boys used then, including such terms as “ripping”, “having a lark”, calling another guy a “cock” in admiration, AND proclaiming oneself a “fag” of the “cock”. Somehow The Droning Voice doesn’t believe those particular slang terms will be coming back into fashion any time soon.
  • How to make a model ship and/or a water motor
  • All about those new-fangled aeroplanes
  • AND MORE!! MUCH MORE!!!

There are many, many wonderful illustrations in this book, mostly of children wearing stifling clothing, and dogs in hats.  The latter is only one reason why you should attempt to find a copy of this online, and pay a hefty sum for it.

Hopefully the listener will be lulled to sleep well before they hear The Droning Voice making an attempt at Welsh pronunciations.  Feel free to correct her, if you believe edifying her is important.  Frankly, she doesn’t care, though acknowledges there are PAGES of resources on the ‘net devoted to helping people learn Welsh as a second language.  Or a first language.  Whatever.  Since The Droning Voice is all about education, here is a single link to Welsh pronunciation which may prove marginally helpful when you want to impress linguists at parties: https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/Appendix:Welsh_pronunciation

There are also two complete novels imbedded in this book (“The Secret Valley” and “The Mystery of the Manor”).  The Droning Voice reminds her listeners that India is now an independent nation, and that the selling of ivory is illegal today, so don’t get all up in her business about anything perceived today as politically incorrect.

This book is certainly appropriate for children, unless you want them picking up the practice of doorbell-ditching their neighbors.  Oh, and the imperialism.

There are lots of short stories included, random poems, and assorted factoids.  The Droning Voice assuredly does NOT recommend any of the science experiments be attempted by anyone lacking a PhD and a hardhat.  And fireproof clothing.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Chatterbox:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Long’s New Language Exercises

May 17, 2020

The Droning Voice wants to point out that, back in 1889, cursive handwriting was taught to First Graders.  Also that something called a “slate” was used in writing, which The Droning Voice assumes is a kind of personal chalkboard.  She personally thinks going back to slates would be an excellent idea, cutting back on expensive technology AND “selfies”.

She also gleaned from the text that every boy appeared to carry a “penknife” to school, and, not only was he not hauled off in handcuffs, but being in possession of one was considered a completely normal accessory, if not a compulsory one.

There are examples of Letter Writing, which clearly indicate that not only were State abbreviations NOT standardized (some only had one letter, while others had four), but there weren’t even Zip Codes.  Oh, and somehow a child could expect that a letter sent one day would be received the next.  At least, that is the impression given by “Long’s New Language Exercises.”  I’m sure these children grew up to be bitter,  and forever scarred, that nobody showed up to their tea party – since their invitation came a week after said event.

The Droning Voice admits to having to re-record one section several times due to her inner 12 year-old snickering, though that may be doing a disservice to the many mature, not to say experienced, 12 year-olds out there.  The Droning Voice was a late bloomer. ‘Nuff said.

Pleasant virginal dreams!

Here is a sample of Long’s New Language Exercises:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.