Category: Reading

Healthy Living Book 2

2021-12-05

Healthy Living by Charles-Edward Amory Winslow appears to be a textbook used in Oklahoma Public Schools at some point well into the 20th century.  How does The Droning Voice know this?  Because on the back of the book there is this notice:

“OKLAHOMA EDITION” and some other blather about it being the property of the State of Oklahoma and insinuations that the price listed had better by-golly be what is paid for the book.  If the State bought it, it was 50 cents.  If an individual bought it, the book was 55 cents.  Nowadays, of course, that would be completely flipped, with the individual paying 50 cents per book, and the State (aka “taxpayers”) paying $500 per book.  Such is progress.  There is also an “Oklahoma Supplement” after the index which discusses issues peculiar to rural living and schooling.  Lest city-slickers start feeling smug and superior, there are also plenty of smudgy photos showing tenements on the East Coast, with text describing their unsanitary conditions.  Ewwww.  There is also, in the “Oklahoma Supplement”, an early form of product placement by the Portland Cement Company of Chicago, which offered to provide – free of charge – plans for a residential septic system (at least they did in 1920).  The Droning Voice believes all her listeners would be well-advised to have a set of these plans on hand, just in case, and should immediately demand said free plans from said company.

The Droning Voice was unable to ascertain exactly what age group this book was targeting.  The illustrations show children who appear to be 8 to 10 years old engaging in “healthy” activities and games (none of which involved helmets or other protective gear) while wearing knickers and beanies.  There is also a grainy photo of a classroom where the students are all huddled under what appear to be parkas while sitting – as attentively as they can whilst being huddled – at their desks.  Apparently lack of heat was not a reason to not learn about Healthy Living back in the 1920’s.

If listening to detailed descriptions of proper sanitation both residential and municipal, microbes, diseases, and first aid are your cup of tea, this probably will not help you sleep.  If you are an “anti-vax-er” the chapter on immunization may trigger you. (Back in the 1920’s, wiping out diseases like Small-Pox seemed like a good idea.) But if you take your health for granted, if you assume you will always have fresh water and clean air, if you have a robust Health Insurance Plan that will address your every sniffle, this may be just the thing to put you to sleep.

Now open your windows for the fresh air “Healthy Living” prescribes (yes, even in the winter), and take in deep slow breaths as you lay back in the proper attire for sleeping.  Unless you live in Los Angeles, in which case, shut all the doors and windows tightly and curl up in a ball next to your air purifier.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is an example of Healthy Living Book 2:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Cushing’s Manual

2021-11-21

The Droning Voice really wasn’t paying too much attention when she read this tome, but THIS is the book that made her realize each selection she reads should have a “slumber” rating, with 5 stars being a real drool-inducing stupor selection.

“Cushing’s Manual” gets 5 stars.

What kept The Droning Voice awake while she was reading this, was her curiosity about what kind of person this Luther Stearns Cushing was.  She can only imagine.  Was he in real life a party animal?  Did he, on occasion, sneak into an assembly hall with his hat on? Did he ever yell, “Point of order!” during sex?  Did he even HAVE sex?

This book is about Parliamentary Procedure, and is, The Droning Voice is certain, VERY important for those elected to office to have full knowledge of, so that they can, with great intent and fore-thought, ignore said procedures.  She will also point out, though, that having full knowledge of Parliamentary Procedure is probably indicative of a personalty disorder (most often found in people who run for public office), so if you meet somebody with this knowledge, you might want to cut them a wide berth.  You certainly don’t want to wind up the focus of a congressional hearing.

The Droning Voice also apologizes in advance if she misread your ancestor’s first name.  The abbreviations of names was not in any way consistent that she could figure out. However, that is exactly the kind of ambiguity that politicians like, so no surprise THERE.

Remember this book was published in 1895, so don’t get all riled up about certain amendments to the Constitution not being read.

Calm down.  Relax.  Breathe deeply.  Fall asleep while learning about Parliamentary Procedure.  God knows The Droning Voice almost did.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Cushing’s Manual:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Molly Make-Believe

2021-10-25

This story is going to be difficult for anybody born after about 1970 to wrap their heads around, but, believe it or not, there used to be the equivalent of analog dating apps.  The Droning Voice remembers a very charming note received, and loving kept, by her great-grandmother which had been delivered via a messenger boy, and in which my not-yet great grandfather asked if he could enjoy her company that evening at her home….where, presumably, she would be under the watchful eyes of her parents.  Propriety, and all.

The plot of this little romance (?) involves a cold and distant socialite who can’t be bothered with her bed-ridden fiancé, leaving him to face the cold northern winter alone while she goes off to frolic in Jacksonville (Florida).  Before heading off she states upfront that she really can’t be bothered to write him more than once a week, so she leaves him a pamphlet for something called “The Serial Letter Co.”, which is kind of a pen-pal* for hire service, should he require more than a few cursory lines about the weather from his lady-love.  Letters can be received from Oriental Fairies, Historical figures, and even Plush Squirrels.  And, of course, love letters for the lonely, which is what Our Hero signs up for, innocently enough, as he wishes to provide examples of what a love letter should contain to his stately and aloof bride-to-be.  Not that she cares. Oh, no.  Today, of course, there are all sorts of ways one can snub their fiancé AND rub their faces in it by posting photos of themselves doing jello shots at beach resorts with strange men on social media. Hey, they aren’t married yet.

But back to our story:

Of course, everything goes wrong….or at least not as Our Hero thought it would.  The Droning Voice does not wish to spoil the ending for anybody wanting to listen, though is  hoping the listener will be in a drowsy stupor by then.  Still, this was one of the more engaging books she has read in the service of the insomniac, so offers a bit of caution for those of romantic inclinations.  For those into racing sports cars, the WWF, or watching programs where the goal is to determine which of three heavily tattooed men missing key teeth is the actual baby daddy, this may be just the selection for you.

Pleasant dreams!

*A “pen-pal” was a pre-internet, pre-social media way of meeting Russian women, Nigerian Princes, and, occasionally, interesting (and real) people from other countries where you could share bits about your cultures via the postal service involving actual STAMPS.

Here is a sample of Molly Make-Believe:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Counterpoint

2021-08-30

This is a book for the hard-core insomniac.  Counterpoint is typically studied as a discreet music course in college, which is then immediately forgotten by the students upon embarking on a professional career, except for those who are enamored by the works of J.S. Bach and others of his ilk.  If you are one of those people, The Droning Voice encourages you to consider a different selection, one that – by its very inclusion on this website – will cause you to question the intellectual capacity of the curator(s) of this website.  If however, you are inclined toward the literary works of modern authors (I won’t name names, but you know who they are), this is the selection for you.

Counterpoint includes words in Latin, and musical terms which the author assumes that anybody in the study of music would understand, the tacit implication being that, if you don’t, you are an ignorant bonehead.  Lenience is granted towards those not in the serious study of music, but just barely.  There are gobs of fine examples of proper counterpont (in various species), which The Droning Voice has not bothered to decipher.  If the curiosity of the listener simply must be satisfied, The Droning Voice notes that copies of this book may be readily purchased at Amazon very inexpensively, such is the desire of the sellers to be rid of said title.

While opera glasses are not required for listening to this selection, they may help you get in the proper frame of mind.  A generalized stupor prior to dropping off to sleep is the goal.  You may reach that state during the Preface.  Trust The Droning Voice.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Counterpoint:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Art of Writing and Speaking the English Language – Grammar and Punctuation

2021-06-23

Now THIS is a useful little tome, one of which The Droning Voice wishes was still used in Elementary schools today, which teaches people the RULES (which should be rigorously enforced) prior to penning your inmost, deepest thoughts before sharing those same thoughts with the general public in the form of Rap Music.  Or modern journalism.

You can tell this book is written by a True Grammarian, not only because of the careful distinction between complex and compound sentences (now with MORE diagrams!), but also because this book has, ahem, not just one, but TWO “Chapter 9”’s.  Clearly grammar was WAY more important than keeping track of the numbering of the chapters prior to publishing, which may have been put together based on the number of digits Mr. Cody had available on his hands.  The Droning Voice understands that it is possible Mr. Cody may have lost one or more of those fingers in a tragic can-opener accident, and therefore gets that he may have had fewer digits to work with than most of the population.  She doesn’t know this for a fact, though.  However the numbering system for chapters was decided upon, The Droning Voice sympathizes.  “Math is hard!”, especially when you have been trying to wrap your head around whatever the hell a “copulative conjunction” is.  Mr. Cody didn’t appear to have any trouble with the fine distinction.  In fact, The Droning Voice suspects he spent a good deal of time figuring this one out, just so he could be a rock star at Grammarian conventions.  And you know those are just a steaming pile of awesome.  One can only imagine the late-nights – involving fine brandies – in which the comma, semi-colon, and colon are fiercely (though cordially) debated.  Condescension required. For those of you who just can’t get enough, The Droning Voice suggests roaming over to the various grammar resources on the ‘net.  Here is one that should be fun for the whole family!

https://grammarist.com/grammar/conjunctions/

The first part of the book, “grammar”, relies heavily upon examples from the Victorian Best Seller, “The King of the Golden River”.  The Droning Voice believes it is clear that Mr. Cody was in the pocket of the publisher, such was his insistence that the student read that little story.  Thankfully, “The King of the Golden River” is now in the Public Domain, so can be found in its entirety “for FREE (!)” online, along with its many critiques from people who appear to spend their evenings reading Victorian literature instead of tipping cows.

Hey, you have to understand the RULES of grammar before you break them.  A ever-so-slight turning up of the lips along with an arched eyebrow will help other grammarians understand when one is doing such an thing.

Pleasant Dreams!

Here is a sample of The Art of Writing and Speaking the English Language – Grammar and Punctuation:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Peter of New Amsterdam

2021-05-26

This is a fictionalized account of the founding of the settlement of New York City, from the purchase of Manhattan Island  from the local tribe of savages/brown men/indians who were either peaceable or, well, savage, depending upon the moment.  The supposed narrator of the story, a boy (Peter) of about 10 years of age when the story begins, is an English orphan, taken by the director of the Dutch West India Company to help settle the New World.  He is then put in charge of the storehouse of items with which to barter with the locals, as an early example of “on the job training”.  The Droning Voice believes there are many current offices in which a random 10 year-old boy (or 8 year-old girl) would certainly do no worse than whomever is currently in said office, and probably would do better.  But she digresses.

Peter witnesses the purchase of the island from the locals, is impacted by the bad judgment of various directors sent over from Holland, sees the Dutch kick the Swedes out, all the while trading and skirmishing with the natives.  And THEN he gets to be on hand when the English take control,  kick out the Dutch overlords, and change the name of the settlement from “New Amsterdam” to “The Big Apple”.

If you are of such delicate sensibilities that the mention of historical terms to describe non-caucasians, you would be well-advised to skip this little selection, tedious as it may be.  Also there is reference to some pretty grotesque punishments for not attending the proper church, causing The Droning Voice to wonder what those meting out such punishments would do if they were somehow teleported to the middle of Times Square on any Friday night at any time post 1970.  She is guessing they would spontaneously combust, not that anybody in Times Square would notice.  Noticing things like that is for tourists.

This book is fiction, but the author managed to keep the plot moving at a glacial pace, so, rest assured, it  should put you right to sleep.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Peter of New Amsterdam:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Bunny Brown and His Sister Sue

2021-04-14

This book starts with a monkey attack, and ends with a small boy beating the stuffing out of his sister’s doll with a heavy stick.  This could be too exciting for today’s audience, who mostly sit around staring at whatever personal device is currently in their hands.  Some of them are probably looking up “monkey attack.”

But never fear.  This is a droning of the antics of a early 20th century little boy and his sister.  If anybody is paying any attention whatsoever to the storyline, most will be gobsmacked that the Dpt. Of Human Services didn’t just come by and send those kids into foster care, given how absolutely inattentive their parents were to their whereabouts, and basically let them wander about all over town like feral cats.  Bunny and Sue blatantly trespass – several times, go joy-riding in a boat, sneak into a movie theater without paying AND also on an automobile.  Hijinks ensue.  Bunny appropriates the claw of a dead  crustacean to wear as a nose.  Sue smears mud all over herself in her attempt to be Robinson Crusoe’s man “Friday”.

So, yeah, there are plenty of things at which to be offended, if that is your comfort zone.  The Droning Voice gently suggests that, if you are paying that close of attention, this story may be just too enthralling for you.  However, the first chapter spends a number of pages on the children waking up and getting dressed.  You could be asleep in record time.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Bunny Brown and His Sister Sue:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Half Hours in the Tiny World

2021-03-19

The Droning Voice hardly knows where to start.  First of all, this book appears to have been written by an actual Englishman, living in England.  There are references to geographical locations, which The Droning Voice is certain every good English boy and girl are keenly aware of.  American children though, and The Droning Voice proudly hails from America’s heartland, are typically more interested in the geographic location of their cell-phone, from where they can send selfies to their followers on whatever social media is the current favorite.

All that to say The Droning Voice is very sorry she didn’t attempt an English accent, which would make her stumbling over certain Latin words sound more erudite, and perhaps a bit more snooty, though she guesses that the very prose of this book will have most light-weight insomniacs snoring after the first few minutes, in spite of her lack of a charming accent.  Here is a short example:

“None of the sweetest, we fear, if it smacks of the tone and temper wherewith it is proclaimed. It may sometimes be found to be but lost labour that we haste to rise up early, so late take rest, if our worldly store lack the mellow sweetness of an abundance culled from earthly flowers, under the sunshine of a heavenly blessing, among the unselfish fellowships and countless charities of life, which are as the pleasant hum of bees in the sultry air of a summer’s day of toil.”

The Droning Voice is, of course, certain that the reader of this text has already ascertained that the above paragraph is about bees.  If the reader is still awake.

This is a book primarily about insects, though the author also expounds on coral, beavers, and by-God-using-your-eyes.  He also quotes from a book he read when he was young.  It clearly made quite an impression on him, though it apparently didn’t have fine and pretty pictures like the books children in the late 1800’s enjoyed.  Oh, no. Not that he was bitter.The Droning Voice notes that this book was written for children in the late 1800s, so you might want to have a dictionary nearby for some of the longer words, if you are paying any attention whatsoever. Good luck figuring out how some words are spelled.

Sleep well!

Here is a sample of Half Hours in the Tiny World:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Lady of the Lake

2021-02-23

Apparently there were several “Lady of the Lake” legends or stories or whatever the heck they are called.  THIS one was written by Sir Walter Scott, Bart., which The Droning Voice assumes stands for “Baronet”, though she acknowledges that it could mean something Piratical, since her mind went straight to “Black Bart”, God Only Knows Why.

Baronet (berənət) a member of the lowest hereditary titled British order, with the status of a commoner but able to use the prefix “Sir.”

At any rate, this was a VERY popular poem/story when it first came out, which probably meant the pirate or Baronet had to go on book tours explaining all the end notes in person.  Normally, The Droning Voice avoids tomes of any noted popularity, but this particular book was very appealing in that it was relatively small, and it had gilt-edged pages.  Plus it had words in GAELIC, which, if you thought The Droning Voice had a hard time with French, you should hear this.  If The Droning Voice has any Scottish listeners, please don’t allow this to become an International Incident.  And, in order to deflect any rage directed at her, she wants to point out that she once went to Edinburgh, and one of her hosts commented that people up around Inverness talk funny.

This has a bit of battle excitement in it, so be fore-warned.  Some people may find scenes of daring-do calming if not downright boring.  These people, by the way, need to be avoided. The printing was also somewhat patchy, in places, in this edition, so The Droning Voice stumbles here and there, trying to figure out exactly what was written by Sir Walter Scott, Bart.   Her performance, though, is, as always, delivered with the enthusiasm of asphalt, complete with potholes.

Oh, the poem?  It’s about Scottish stuff that happened in the reign of James V., at least as best as The Droning Voice could figure out.  She wasn’t paying close attention.

Sleep well!

Here is a sample of The Lady of the Lake:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Science of Life

2021-01-27

“Must humanity forever ignore a subject thus infinitely eventful to all parents and children, communities and the race!  No, thunders out this volume!”  Just to be clear, the volume may thunder, but The Droning Voice does not.  In fact, she stumbled over a number of words in this book, some of which she is convinced the author made up.  Sometimes she even got to the end of a section without having any recollection of what she just droned, which is how enthralling this book is.

Because in the 1870s, phrenology was all the rage.  Or at least The Droning Voice supposes.  There are those that claim phrenology is a pseudo-science, which the Droning Voice is absolutely certain would send the Author of this tome into an seething rage.  Phrenology, according to Dr. Fowler, is a SCIENCE.  Period.  And if you do not use phrenology to help you select your life partner, then you deserve what is coming to you.  For those rubes out there who are unenlightened, phrenology is the SCIENCE of reading bumps on an individual’s head/skull with the idea that somebody trained in the SCIENCE of feeling said bumps can tell you all you need to know about that individual. You might be able to hide your seamy proclivities from your family and spouse, but not from a phrenologist.  It’s true because it is SCIENCE.

This was called “The Naughty Book” by the bookseller The Droning Voice purchased it from.  Really, the marketing ploy could not have been better, and caused the DV to shell out more money than she normally would have.  At over 1000 pages, this book did not disappoint, though was hardly titillating by today’s standards.  The sex ed portion was informative, but probably not as much as streaming porn is today.

Bits of this book may cause some sensitive souls to lift their fists in fury at the racism/sexism/whatever-ism is their particular outrage du jour.  The Droning Voice acknowledges their right to be outraged, and to encourage them to take solace in how far we have come in the 150 years since this was penned.  If taking solace doesn’t help, The Droning Voice suggests a safe room and an emotional support animal.

Dr. Fowler sternly admonishes against fashion, reading novels, breathing bad air, alcohol, and many more fun things which make life enjoyable.  The Droning Voice is sure he was just a bucket of fun at any party.

Dr. Fowler also explains what causes various birthmarks based on empirical evidence from his devotees.  Nearly all are caused by the mother-to-be craving a certain food, or by being startled by….something random.   Beware!!!

Here is a sample from Science of Life:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.