Category: Reading

About Adult Fiction

September 15, 2022

Adult fiction from 100+ years ago is certainly…different from Adult Fiction of today.  Some would say it has “evolved”.  Others, and The Droning Voice is in this camp, say it has “devolved”.  For those raised on current authors, The Droning Voice can assure you that there are far fewer explosions, less profanity – though words like “scoundrel” were used -, more descriptions of being “perturbed”, and WAY more clothing.  Given the lack of on-demand temperature control, The Droning Voice is amazed those people didn’t just pass out from the heat, OR spend all their time huddled in front of their woodstove in a vain attempt to stay warm and not losing key fingers to frostbite.  The only people being dispatched usually had it coming (NO charges filed), and it was typically attended to discreetly, and usually to defend the heroine’s honor.  Actually, EVERYTHING was much more discreet, including how the lead characters in most of these novels procured their income.  The Droning Voice assumes they were ALL trust-fund babies.  God forbid they actually WORK for a living.  In today’s literature, yes, even working in an office can be rife with romantic intrigue and deeds of daring-do, and WAY more skin (often involving office desks).  But in the late 1800s and early 1900s, even the hint of such a thing would cause any lady to swoon, with a gentleman being quick to catch her.  Men were always hoping to catch a swooning heroine, that being the only time they could honorably grope her.  And EVERYBODY kept a small bottle of something called smelling salts on hand for just such an occasion.  Really, The Droning Voice thinks a small bottle of that stuff might be just the thing to wave under another person’s nose when said nose is getting “out of joint”.  Maybe, just maybe, it could snap them out of it, though The Droning Voice is skeptical.  Let her know how it goes!

Also, it seems that most of the heroes from the fiction of that era rode horses.  Given the costs involved with owning an automobile or other vehicle today, riding a horse to work may be exactly what the modern day businessman should be doing.  #historyrepeatsitself
If the listener is used to the works of, well, The Droning Voice won’t mention NAMES, any of these selections should put you right to sleep.  She sincerely hopes you have a good time reading the reviews while deciding which one to bore you into slumber.

As always, pleasant dreams!

Tom Swift and His Wireless Message

September 4, 2022

This book claims to have been written by a very proper, The Droning Voice is sure, gentleman by the name of “Victor Appleton”. In reality, though, it was ghost-written by some shadowy member of the Stratmeyer Syndicate. THOSE people had an iron grip on fiction aimed at children of all ages, and trust The Droning Voice when she says you probably need to be VERY COMPLIMENTARY of their publications. The Droning Voice was morbidly curious about their reach, though, so, with trembling fingers, looked them up on Wikipedia.

OMG. They started publishing in 1899, and appear to have maybe finished up in 2005. Maybe. You never know.

There were also subsequent iterations of “Tom Swift”, but this particular book was published in the first set, before Tom became associated with witty adverbs, otherwise known as “Tom Swifties”.

No silly puns in THIS book, no sirree. In fact, one of the first things we need to do is examine the characters of the story, namely:

Tom Swift – Our hero, and youthful inventor of high character. Intimidated by a roomful of pretty girls. Well-respected by all except the town bully who is just jealous.
Andy Foger – said bully, and pain in the neck. After he destroys Tom’s lovely little monoplane, Tom declares Andy to be a “scoundrel”. Tom and Andy have a skirmish early in the book that, today, would have resulted in multiple felony chargers.
Mr. Wakefield Damon – Eccentric and fanboy of Tom. He blesses EVERYTHING, BTW. In this book, a few of his things he blesses include: watch-chain, multiplication tables, kitchen-range, collar button, shoe-laces, deflection rudder, pocket knife, radiator, individuality, gizzard, storage battery…you get the drift.
Mary Nestor – Tom’s girlfriend. She makes an appearance in the book mainly to provide apple turnovers, and to worry about her parents. Poor Mary had Tom drive her to the “Intelligence Office”, which is, apparently, where one went to find employees, when one’s cook abruptly quits on one for demanding apple turnovers, and one simply didn’t know what one was going to do. Mary certainly seemed incapable of creating apple turnovers. And, as everybody knows, the BEST cooks are Irish, so that is what Mary had to have. Not to be racist. Speaking of which
Eradicate Samson – is the handyman about town, who always travels with his trusty steed, Boomerang the mule. The Droning Voice points out that Tom lives in NY state, but that Eradicate speaks a particular “southern” dialect, which was dutifully transliterated by “Mr. Appleton”, and then attempted to be pronounced by The Droning Voice. If you thought her French was bad, just wait until you hear this. Also, The Droning Voice finds the name of this character particularly apt, and wonders if “cancel culture” won’t come for her, possibly beating the Stratmeyer Syndicate to the punch.

Oh, yeah. The plot. Most of the book is devoted to flying about either in Tom’s monoplane or on Mr. Fenwick’s airship, which, The Droning Voice assumes, was some sort of dirigible. At any rate, they load up this airship with piles of supplies for a test-flight/day journey, get caught in a hurricane, get swept down to somewhere near the West Indies and crash on an island which is about to collapse from earthquakes. The SAME island where Mary’s parents wind up shipwrecked from a pleasure cruise. Of course. And Tom, of course, figures out how to create a ham station from the airship wreckage, complete with shack, sends out “C.Q.D.” and gets them all rescued. Really, it’s a GREAT book. Please call off your goons.

Pleasant dreams, devoid of goons.

 

White Sox

August 19, 2022

Just so you know, this slim book has NOTHING to do with the Black Sox Scandal.  Furthermore, it has nothing to do with Baseball OR Chicago, which is all good, at least to The Droning Voice. It is, in fact, about reindeer.

And, just so you know, this has nothing to do with any of the reindeer involved in pulling Santa’s sled full of toys. Nope. THIS book is sanctioned by the full backing of THE WORLD BOOK COMPANY, located in Yonkers-on-Hudson, NY, which is nowhere near the North Pole. All the action takes place kinda in that vicinity, though. The North Pole. Not Yonkers-on-Hudson. And, unlike many of the children’s books The Droning Voice has read, none of the critters in this book wear anything remotely resembling a monocule or top-hat or even spats. There is, however, a mention of a “seal-leather thong”, but The Droning Voice hastens to assure the listener that such a thong had a much different use back in the 1920s in Alaska than might be employed today, particularly in certain nightclubs in San Francisco.

This book teaches the listener probably more than they wanted to know about actual reindeer, and their caribou cousins up in the northern latitudes. It is the story of a wise Mother Reindeer teaching her young fawn, White Sox, all about being a reindeer. They manage, somehow – it is never explained how, exactly – to get away from their herd and hang with their caribou cousins for a while, where White Sox learns all about the hazards of living in the wild and being considered tasty to wolves. And he experiences “Antler Envy” when he notices his caribou cousins have larger antlers than he. The Droning Voice was glad his mother was able to assuage his youthful concerns in that area. Every good mother assures her son that size doesn’t really matter.

Also, at one point White Sox and his mom have to escape wolves by running into a marshy area that is basically a natural super-fund site, with oil just laying about the surface of the land and water. They slowly wade through it, knowing the wolves’ will have to turn back, and turning White Sox’s legs black in the process. Ick. It is a good (?) thing these oil lakes near Point Barrow were discovered by oil companies in the early 1920s, so that they could get to cleaning them up. So to speak.

If you simply MUST know where Point Barrow is, the author of this book, Mr. Lopp, tells the student to open up a map of Alaska and find the 71st parallel. The Droning Voice managed to find it on her ca. 1960’s era globe, which also has all kinds of countries on it that no longer technically exist.

Mother Reindeer then tells White Sox the history of how the reindeer came to be in the service of man (woman, humans, LGBTQMNOP) involving a caribou fawn named “White Feet”, but given what he DID, should’ve been call “Brown Nose”. The Droning Voice will leave it at that.

Sweet dreams with visions of sugar plums!

Here is a sample of White Sox:

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Tale of Jasper Jay

August 4, 2022

“Dandy” – “Rowdy” – “Scamp”

The above terms are what Mr. Bailey used to describe Jasper Jay. Clearly Mr. Bailey disapproved of flashy attire, no matter who was wearing it. If one was a “dandy”, the other adjectives naturally followed. The Droning Voice can only imagine what sort of words he would have used to describe a peacock, which, to The Droning Voice looks like the avian version of a Drag Queen but with even MORE pizzazz (if such a thing were possible).

This book starts (and ends) with what Jasper Jay likes to eat, particularly beechnuts. Since The Droning Voice had only vaguely heard of beechnuts, preferring to get her nuts pre-shelled, roasted, salted, and dished out in handy cans, she went to the ‘net to provide you a link complete with pictures so that you can go forage some for yourself. She read somewhere that they are edible, so it HAS to be true.

Oh, and Blue Jays are NOISY, in case you didn’t already know.

She learned about an ailment (suffered by Old Mr. Crow) called “Housemaid’s Knee”, which turns out to be some kind of inflammation of the bursa behind the patella (knee cap). The Droning Voice was unaware that crows even HAD knees, much less were in the domestic employment industry. Okie-dokey.

She also learned that Mrs. Green called her family in to meals by blowing some sort of instrument, though it is never stated what kind. A trombone? An alpine horn? A digeridoo? A shofar? The imagination runs wild.

If you stay awake long enough, you will find out that the “Pleasant Valley Singing Society”, lead by a Mr. Valentine Veery, liked to sing “Good Night Ladies”.

And with THAT ear worm, The Droning Voice wishes you …

Pleasant Dreams!

Here is a sample of The Tale of Jasper Jay:

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Automobile Engineering Part One

July 19, 2022

The wide-awake listener has The Droning Voice’s brother-in-law to thank for this particular selection. Where he obtained it is unknown, though The Droning Voice acknowledges his mechanical prowess when it comes to motors of all kinds. Still…1917? One assumes there has been a certain amount of progress in that area, but one never knows. The Droning Voice certainly doesn’t.

This book had PAGES of authors and contributors, all of whom were experts in Automobile Engineering, The Droning Voice is sure. And she read ALL their names out loud, including that of Sir Hiram Maxim who invented many useful household items, including the hair-curling iron, the mousetrap, and the automatic machine gun.  Not to be confused with Hiram Percy Maxim, the co-founder of the American Radio Relay League.  The original Radio Boy, after growing up with the inventor of the automatic machine gun for his dad, invented the silencer.  His dad would have been so proud.

There were names of automobiles listed which, while perhaps familiar and well-loved by vintage car enthusiasts, were completely unfamiliar to The Droning Voice. For instance, the Franklin, and the Marmon. She is confident these noble vehicles had at least as much integrity as any American cars manufactured in the 1970s, and certainly were classier. Exhibit A would be the AMC Gremlin. Or Ford Pinto. Or whatever car it was that might explode at any given moment.

There were all kinds of terms The Droning Voice had never heard of including “babbitt” (which has TWO wildly differing definitions), “broaching”(which has even more definitions), “bosses” (don’t get The Droning Voice started), and “dog” which, given the context, The Droning Voice assumed had something to do with automotive repairs. She was delighted however, when, after she typed in “dog” looking for the actual definition regarding automotive repair, Google instead took her straight to automatic dog toy ball launchers. Any automotive repair shop worth its salt should have at least one of these, as well as an actual, you know, DOG (arf, arf).

At some point she even read “en bloc”, which shouldn’t have surprised her, given the reputation France has for producing outstanding AND reliable cars.

Also, every GOOD auto shop should have a stethoscope on hand, according to this book, supposedly to listen to the crankcase. The Droning Voice thinks it may also be handy when the repair bill is handed over to the customer.

Oh, and there was something about “road inequalities”. The Droning Voice had NO IDEA this was even a thing back in 1917, and thinks it should be resurrected immediately. Those with hair-trigger indignation have your marching orders.

Pleasant Dreams!

Here is a sample of Automotive Engineering Part One:

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Eclectic Complete Book-keeping

July 5, 2022

“Double-entry book-keeping, while a science, deserves to rank among the Fine Arts.”

Yeah, tell that to the judge. The Droning Voice won’t name NAMES, but is certain that many politicians AND corporations, of which, due to their artistic book-keeping practices, are either in prison or no longer exist.

This book was so incredibly tedious that The Droning Voice had to space her drones of it with not just one, but TWO other books. When she finally finished the last page, there was great rejoicing involving a bowl of Chocolate Mint ice-cream.

One of the phrases, used repeatedly in this book, which helped The Droning Voice stay awake was “his business” – a term which her grandfather-in-law used to refer to a gentleman’s naughty bits. One of the passages reads, in part “the number and kind of books required depend…on the extent of his business.”  Adolescent snickering ensued. Really, it is always good to know what one’s business is up to.

While The Droning Voice is KEENLY aware this book is all about book-keeping, she also believes growing one’s vocabulary, especially about popular terms for male genitalia. If you would like to know even more terms for this particular piece of anatomy, she enthusiastically recommends the Big Damn Book of Sheer Manliness.

Also, there is poetry in this book, which surprised The Droning Voice. She didn’t realize accountants could be so…romantic.

“By Journal laws what we receive
Is Debtor made to what we give.
Stock for our debts must Debtor be,
And creditor for property.
Profit and Loss accounts are plain;
We debit Loss and credit Gain.”

The Droning Voice knows that people often like to tout their credentials after their names, but was stunned to see what Mr. Mayhew was proud to proclaim, though understands that, in a way, he WAS pimping himself out to book publishers. She is certain he made a fortune.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Eclectic Complete Book-keeping:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

 

 

The Tale of Jolly Robin

June 10, 2022

The Droning Voice learned a LOT about birds in this little book. For instance, she learned that birds, according to the author, Arthur Scott Bailey, can READ. Or at least Jasper Jay can, but then members of that particular family of birds are notably intelligent by human standards, though some people would argue that isn’t really saying much. But still.

Speaking of Jasper Jay, the author did mention the ornithological fact that Jays and Crows are cousins. Important to the plot line, because Old Mr. Crow actually hires Jolly Robin to laugh for him – an early adoptee of the practice of engaging a claque. However, Jolly Robin, not having the intelligence of members of the corvid family (The Droning Voice knows WAY too much about birds), spends his time laughing at Old Mr. Crow and winds up getting fired. Oh, well. One can only hope Jolly Robin was able to file for unemployment.

There were other not-too-exciting plots involving a snowman, a (spoiler) weather vane, and a four-armed man who was lugging pails of milk into the “buttery”. The Droning Voice was confident she knew the meaning of “buttery,” assuming that, since the man was hauling milk from the cow barn into some sort of room, the milk was going to be churned into butter. Imagine her surprise when she went online to verify her assumption and discovered that while a “buttery” is, in fact, a room, it is a room for storing LIQUOR. So, in this book written for children, there is a reference to some pre-prohibition dairy-based moonshine still at Farmer Green’s “farm.” Hey, go see for yourself.

And, of course, Old Mr. Crow knew ALL about it, making him an accomplice in this little enterprise.

Jolly Robin also gets in BIG trouble with his wife for staying out all night with that good-for-nothing Willie Whip-poor-will. Take note, gentlemen. If you want to keep your wife smiling, don’t stay out all night with Willie Whip-poor-will (or anybody else).

And with that bit of wisdom, pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Tale of Jolly Robin:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Alternative

April 24, 2022

The Droning Voice knows she promised, at some point, to never drone one of those insipid romance novels with formulaic plots involving muscular, brooding heroes, and saucy heroines whose bodices can barely contain their ample bosoms.

And she is keeping her promise (so far).

THIS romance novel (she is guessing it is a romance novel) gives the listener a peek into the life of an early 20th century New York Society gentleman.  They belonged to various clubs, they attended the best universities, they had fanciful nicknames, and, above all, they did NOT have jobs.  They, apparently, lived off the interest from trust funds and hoped to marry a wealthy heiress (or widow), the better to keep from having to get an actual JOB.

This appears to have really been a thing.  Heck, it may still be, for all The Droning Voice knows.  SHE lives, very happily, FAR from New York City Society and so is blissfully ignorant of the daily grind those folks must feel…determining which party invitation to accept (or decline), who to snub, which club to join.  But she is not without empathy.  “There, there”, she says, consoling the New York City Society elite. “There, there.”

AT ANY RATE, the hero in this romance (?) ultimately decides to marry only for love, and the object of his affection has been lowered in rank to “secretary” (gasp!), though was, of course, from one of New York’s finest, though fallen, families.  And then he (double gasp!!) actually Gets A Job, sending his poor father into a fit of apoplexy.  The beautiful secretary, of course, is extremely proper, only allowing color to rise in her cheeks as she demurely returns, briefly, a squeeze of his hand.  Then there is a pretty little tableau at the end, leaving our couple close together, him gently kissing her closed eyes as she rests her head on his chest (or something like that), as her hand delicately caresses his cheek.

No cold showers needed after THIS book is read, though, given the descriptions of a blizzard, a nice cup of something warm may help one be thankful for modern heating systems.  It may also help you drift off to sleep.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Alternative:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Little White Mice Boy

February 28, 2022

The Droning Voice had no idea what to expect when she snagged this small book from a box of old books belonging to a friend.  It was clearly old, and the inscription on the front cover read, “Presented to Angelo Scott by his teacher Hannie Adam – March 1892”.  The Droning Voice was quite impressed with the flourishes of the teacher’s cursive writing, and firmly believes THAT particular art form would be well-worth bringing back to our school rooms, complete with India ink and quill pens.  She adds that “Comet” brand cleanser will remove most of the ink stain from your fingers, if not the skin itself.

But she digresses.

The problem The Droning Voice faced was that there was NO copyright date inside.  So off to Amazon she went, and was delighted to find that there was not just one, but TWO copies of this same book for sale, listing the publishing date as 1870.  They were also for sale for the rather princely sum of $34 each, in case you simply must possess one.  The Droning Voice might be able to procure you a copy for considerably less, if her friend will give her a cut of the swag.

ANYWAY…..

Inside the book are 7 stories, of sorts.  They are certainly not of the swashbuckling adventure type, nor soppy romances, nor anything remotely like what you would expect ANY best-seller to be composed of.  One story is about a grandfather taking shelter in a convent in Switzerland during a snow storm, another is about how exciting it was for children to anticipate playing in snow, another is about various roses, another is a grim reminder that, during the 1870s, dead babies were kind of a regular, though sad, thing that happened.  Yes, these are stories for children.  Or so The Droning Voice assumes.

The Droning Voice has faithfully read all of the stories with the enthusiasm of asphalt.  She sincerely hopes they put you right to sleep, or at least lulls you into a stupor.

Pleasant lulling stupors!

Here is a sample of Little White Mice Boy:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Pleasant Hours with Illustrious Men and Women

January 20, 2022

This book is exactly the type of biographical compilations that can put even the hard-core insomniac to sleep.  It is full of dates of births, of weddings, of deaths of relatives, of travels, of elections, performances, publications.  Some of the names included in this tome are ones most people with a passing knowledge of history will have heard of.  Others, not so much.

The Droning Voice doesn’t judge, really, but does wonder why Mozart was included with such indeed illustrious musicians as Theodore Thomas, and some guy named “Levy” (he played the cornet, by the way).  Also, her pulse quickened when she saw, in the table of contents, “Pen and Ink Sketches of President Harrison’s Cabinet”, though was disappointed to discover this section had nothing whatsoever to do with furniture.

There is a long section of various “statesmen”, perhaps giving homage to a politician’s ability to bloviate, then shorter sections for poets, writers, actors, and random ilk the author of this book decided, for some reason, to include, while deliberately snubbing other very worthy personages who well deserve to have the dates of their marriages remembered in perpetuity.

There are samples of poems, of writings, of speeches.  The Droning Voice is aware there are likely pronunciation tools available online, but steadfastly refuses to use them, preferring, instead, to drone on through, stumbling over now archaic names of cities in Africa.  If the listener is awake enough to send snarky comments to The Droning Voice, she has failed miserably in her attempt to put said listener to sleep, and gently suggests a different selection, like “Applied Electrochemistry”.

After editing for brevity, The Droning Voice nevertheless recorded for nearly eleven (11) hours to bring you this book.   She doesn’t ask for much, but The Droning Voice is grateful to all who send her various cough drops and throat remedies to keep her soothing, dulcet voice droning on.  Seriously.  Somebody send some candy.

Pleasant hours of dreams!

Here is a sample of Pleasant Hours with Illustrious Men and Women:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

 

Healthy Living Book 2

December 5, 2021

Healthy Living by Charles-Edward Amory Winslow appears to be a textbook used in Oklahoma Public Schools at some point well into the 20th century.  How does The Droning Voice know this?  Because on the back of the book there is this notice:

“OKLAHOMA EDITION” and some other blather about it being the property of the State of Oklahoma and insinuations that the price listed had better by-golly be what is paid for the book.  If the State bought it, it was 50 cents.  If an individual bought it, the book was 55 cents.  Nowadays, of course, that would be completely flipped, with the individual paying 50 cents per book, and the State (aka “taxpayers”) paying $500 per book.  Such is progress.  There is also an “Oklahoma Supplement” after the index which discusses issues peculiar to rural living and schooling.  Lest city-slickers start feeling smug and superior, there are also plenty of smudgy photos showing tenements on the East Coast, with text describing their unsanitary conditions.  Ewwww.  There is also, in the “Oklahoma Supplement”, an early form of product placement by the Portland Cement Company of Chicago, which offered to provide – free of charge – plans for a residential septic system (at least they did in 1920).  The Droning Voice believes all her listeners would be well-advised to have a set of these plans on hand, just in case, and should immediately demand said free plans from said company.

The Droning Voice was unable to ascertain exactly what age group this book was targeting.  The illustrations show children who appear to be 8 to 10 years old engaging in “healthy” activities and games (none of which involved helmets or other protective gear) while wearing knickers and beanies.  There is also a grainy photo of a classroom where the students are all huddled under what appear to be parkas while sitting – as attentively as they can whilst being huddled – at their desks.  Apparently lack of heat was not a reason to not learn about Healthy Living back in the 1920’s.

If listening to detailed descriptions of proper sanitation both residential and municipal, microbes, diseases, and first aid are your cup of tea, this probably will not help you sleep.  If you are an “anti-vax-er” the chapter on immunization may trigger you. (Back in the 1920’s, wiping out diseases like Small-Pox seemed like a good idea.) But if you take your health for granted, if you assume you will always have fresh water and clean air, if you have a robust Health Insurance Plan that will address your every sniffle, this may be just the thing to put you to sleep.

Now open your windows for the fresh air “Healthy Living” prescribes (yes, even in the winter), and take in deep slow breaths as you lay back in the proper attire for sleeping.  Unless you live in Los Angeles, in which case, shut all the doors and windows tightly and curl up in a ball next to your air purifier.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is an example of Healthy Living Book 2:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Cushing’s Manual

November 21, 2021

The Droning Voice really wasn’t paying too much attention when she read this tome, but THIS is the book that made her realize each selection she reads should have a “slumber” rating, with 5 stars being a real drool-inducing stupor selection.

“Cushing’s Manual” gets 5 stars.

What kept The Droning Voice awake while she was reading this, was her curiosity about what kind of person this Luther Stearns Cushing was.  She can only imagine.  Was he in real life a party animal?  Did he, on occasion, sneak into an assembly hall with his hat on? Did he ever yell, “Point of order!” during sex?  Did he even HAVE sex?

This book is about Parliamentary Procedure, and is, The Droning Voice is certain, VERY important for those elected to office to have full knowledge of, so that they can, with great intent and fore-thought, ignore said procedures.  She will also point out, though, that having full knowledge of Parliamentary Procedure is probably indicative of a personalty disorder (most often found in people who run for public office), so if you meet somebody with this knowledge, you might want to cut them a wide berth.  You certainly don’t want to wind up the focus of a congressional hearing.

The Droning Voice also apologizes in advance if she misread your ancestor’s first name.  The abbreviations of names was not in any way consistent that she could figure out. However, that is exactly the kind of ambiguity that politicians like, so no surprise THERE.

Remember this book was published in 1895, so don’t get all riled up about certain amendments to the Constitution not being read.

Calm down.  Relax.  Breathe deeply.  Fall asleep while learning about Parliamentary Procedure.  God knows The Droning Voice almost did.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Cushing’s Manual:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Molly Make-Believe

October 25, 2021

This story is going to be difficult for anybody born after about 1970 to wrap their heads around, but, believe it or not, there used to be the equivalent of analog dating apps.  The Droning Voice remembers a very charming note received, and loving kept, by her great-grandmother which had been delivered via a messenger boy, and in which my not-yet great grandfather asked if he could enjoy her company that evening at her home….where, presumably, she would be under the watchful eyes of her parents.  Propriety, and all.

The plot of this little romance (?) involves a cold and distant socialite who can’t be bothered with her bed-ridden fiancé, leaving him to face the cold northern winter alone while she goes off to frolic in Jacksonville (Florida).  Before heading off she states upfront that she really can’t be bothered to write him more than once a week, so she leaves him a pamphlet for something called “The Serial Letter Co.”, which is kind of a pen-pal* for hire service, should he require more than a few cursory lines about the weather from his lady-love.  Letters can be received from Oriental Fairies, Historical figures, and even Plush Squirrels.  And, of course, love letters for the lonely, which is what Our Hero signs up for, innocently enough, as he wishes to provide examples of what a love letter should contain to his stately and aloof bride-to-be.  Not that she cares. Oh, no.  Today, of course, there are all sorts of ways one can snub their fiancé AND rub their faces in it by posting photos of themselves doing jello shots at beach resorts with strange men on social media. Hey, they aren’t married yet.

But back to our story:

Of course, everything goes wrong….or at least not as Our Hero thought it would.  The Droning Voice does not wish to spoil the ending for anybody wanting to listen, though is  hoping the listener will be in a drowsy stupor by then.  Still, this was one of the more engaging books she has read in the service of the insomniac, so offers a bit of caution for those of romantic inclinations.  For those into racing sports cars, the WWF, or watching programs where the goal is to determine which of three heavily tattooed men missing key teeth is the actual baby daddy, this may be just the selection for you.

Pleasant dreams!

*A “pen-pal” was a pre-internet, pre-social media way of meeting Russian women, Nigerian Princes, and, occasionally, interesting (and real) people from other countries where you could share bits about your cultures via the postal service involving actual STAMPS.

Here is a sample of Molly Make-Believe:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Counterpoint

August 30, 2021

This is a book for the hard-core insomniac.  Counterpoint is typically studied as a discreet music course in college, which is then immediately forgotten by the students upon embarking on a professional career, except for those who are enamored by the works of J.S. Bach and others of his ilk.  If you are one of those people, The Droning Voice encourages you to consider a different selection, one that – by its very inclusion on this website – will cause you to question the intellectual capacity of the curator(s) of this website.  If however, you are inclined toward the literary works of modern authors (I won’t name names, but you know who they are), this is the selection for you.

Counterpoint includes words in Latin, and musical terms which the author assumes that anybody in the study of music would understand, the tacit implication being that, if you don’t, you are an ignorant bonehead.  Lenience is granted towards those not in the serious study of music, but just barely.  There are gobs of fine examples of proper counterpont (in various species), which The Droning Voice has not bothered to decipher.  If the curiosity of the listener simply must be satisfied, The Droning Voice notes that copies of this book may be readily purchased at Amazon very inexpensively, such is the desire of the sellers to be rid of said title.

While opera glasses are not required for listening to this selection, they may help you get in the proper frame of mind.  A generalized stupor prior to dropping off to sleep is the goal.  You may reach that state during the Preface.  Trust The Droning Voice.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Counterpoint:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Art of Writing and Speaking the English Language – Grammar and Punctuation

June 23, 2021

Now THIS is a useful little tome, one of which The Droning Voice wishes was still used in Elementary schools today, which teaches people the RULES (which should be rigorously enforced) prior to penning your inmost, deepest thoughts before sharing those same thoughts with the general public in the form of Rap Music.  Or modern journalism.

You can tell this book is written by a True Grammarian, not only because of the careful distinction between complex and compound sentences (now with MORE diagrams!), but also because this book has, ahem, not just one, but TWO “Chapter 9”’s.  Clearly grammar was WAY more important than keeping track of the numbering of the chapters prior to publishing, which may have been put together based on the number of digits Mr. Cody had available on his hands.  The Droning Voice understands that it is possible Mr. Cody may have lost one or more of those fingers in a tragic can-opener accident, and therefore gets that he may have had fewer digits to work with than most of the population.  She doesn’t know this for a fact, though.  However the numbering system for chapters was decided upon, The Droning Voice sympathizes.  “Math is hard!”, especially when you have been trying to wrap your head around whatever the hell a “copulative conjunction” is.  Mr. Cody didn’t appear to have any trouble with the fine distinction.  In fact, The Droning Voice suspects he spent a good deal of time figuring this one out, just so he could be a rock star at Grammarian conventions.  And you know those are just a steaming pile of awesome.  One can only imagine the late-nights – involving fine brandies – in which the comma, semi-colon, and colon are fiercely (though cordially) debated.  Condescension required. For those of you who just can’t get enough, The Droning Voice suggests roaming over to the various grammar resources on the ‘net.  Here is one that should be fun for the whole family!

https://grammarist.com/grammar/conjunctions/

The first part of the book, “grammar”, relies heavily upon examples from the Victorian Best Seller, “The King of the Golden River”.  The Droning Voice believes it is clear that Mr. Cody was in the pocket of the publisher, such was his insistence that the student read that little story.  Thankfully, “The King of the Golden River” is now in the Public Domain, so can be found in its entirety “for FREE (!)” online, along with its many critiques from people who appear to spend their evenings reading Victorian literature instead of tipping cows.

Hey, you have to understand the RULES of grammar before you break them.  A ever-so-slight turning up of the lips along with an arched eyebrow will help other grammarians understand when one is doing such an thing.

Pleasant Dreams!

Here is a sample of The Art of Writing and Speaking the English Language – Grammar and Punctuation:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Peter of New Amsterdam

May 26, 2021

This is a fictionalized account of the founding of the settlement of New York City, from the purchase of Manhattan Island  from the local tribe of savages/brown men/indians who were either peaceable or, well, savage, depending upon the moment.  The supposed narrator of the story, a boy (Peter) of about 10 years of age when the story begins, is an English orphan, taken by the director of the Dutch West India Company to help settle the New World.  He is then put in charge of the storehouse of items with which to barter with the locals, as an early example of “on the job training”.  The Droning Voice believes there are many current offices in which a random 10 year-old boy (or 8 year-old girl) would certainly do no worse than whomever is currently in said office, and probably would do better.  But she digresses.

Peter witnesses the purchase of the island from the locals, is impacted by the bad judgment of various directors sent over from Holland, sees the Dutch kick the Swedes out, all the while trading and skirmishing with the natives.  And THEN he gets to be on hand when the English take control,  kick out the Dutch overlords, and change the name of the settlement from “New Amsterdam” to “The Big Apple”.

If you are of such delicate sensibilities that the mention of historical terms to describe non-caucasians, you would be well-advised to skip this little selection, tedious as it may be.  Also there is reference to some pretty grotesque punishments for not attending the proper church, causing The Droning Voice to wonder what those meting out such punishments would do if they were somehow teleported to the middle of Times Square on any Friday night at any time post 1970.  She is guessing they would spontaneously combust, not that anybody in Times Square would notice.  Noticing things like that is for tourists.

This book is fiction, but the author managed to keep the plot moving at a glacial pace, so, rest assured, it  should put you right to sleep.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Peter of New Amsterdam:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Bunny Brown and His Sister Sue

April 14, 2021

This book starts with a monkey attack, and ends with a small boy beating the stuffing out of his sister’s doll with a heavy stick.  This could be too exciting for today’s audience, who mostly sit around staring at whatever personal device is currently in their hands.  Some of them are probably looking up “monkey attack.”

But never fear.  This is a droning of the antics of a early 20th century little boy and his sister.  If anybody is paying any attention whatsoever to the storyline, most will be gobsmacked that the Dpt. Of Human Services didn’t just come by and send those kids into foster care, given how absolutely inattentive their parents were to their whereabouts, and basically let them wander about all over town like feral cats.  Bunny and Sue blatantly trespass – several times, go joy-riding in a boat, sneak into a movie theater without paying AND also on an automobile.  Hijinks ensue.  Bunny appropriates the claw of a dead  crustacean to wear as a nose.  Sue smears mud all over herself in her attempt to be Robinson Crusoe’s man “Friday”.

So, yeah, there are plenty of things at which to be offended, if that is your comfort zone.  The Droning Voice gently suggests that, if you are paying that close of attention, this story may be just too enthralling for you.  However, the first chapter spends a number of pages on the children waking up and getting dressed.  You could be asleep in record time.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of Bunny Brown and His Sister Sue:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Half Hours in the Tiny World

March 19, 2021

The Droning Voice hardly knows where to start.  First of all, this book appears to have been written by an actual Englishman, living in England.  There are references to geographical locations, which The Droning Voice is certain every good English boy and girl are keenly aware of.  American children though, and The Droning Voice proudly hails from America’s heartland, are typically more interested in the geographic location of their cell-phone, from where they can send selfies to their followers on whatever social media is the current favorite.

All that to say The Droning Voice is very sorry she didn’t attempt an English accent, which would make her stumbling over certain Latin words sound more erudite, and perhaps a bit more snooty, though she guesses that the very prose of this book will have most light-weight insomniacs snoring after the first few minutes, in spite of her lack of a charming accent.  Here is a short example:

“None of the sweetest, we fear, if it smacks of the tone and temper wherewith it is proclaimed. It may sometimes be found to be but lost labour that we haste to rise up early, so late take rest, if our worldly store lack the mellow sweetness of an abundance culled from earthly flowers, under the sunshine of a heavenly blessing, among the unselfish fellowships and countless charities of life, which are as the pleasant hum of bees in the sultry air of a summer’s day of toil.”

The Droning Voice is, of course, certain that the reader of this text has already ascertained that the above paragraph is about bees.  If the reader is still awake.

This is a book primarily about insects, though the author also expounds on coral, beavers, and by-God-using-your-eyes.  He also quotes from a book he read when he was young.  It clearly made quite an impression on him, though it apparently didn’t have fine and pretty pictures like the books children in the late 1800’s enjoyed.  Oh, no. Not that he was bitter.The Droning Voice notes that this book was written for children in the late 1800s, so you might want to have a dictionary nearby for some of the longer words, if you are paying any attention whatsoever. Good luck figuring out how some words are spelled.

Sleep well!

Here is a sample of Half Hours in the Tiny World:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Lady of the Lake

February 23, 2021

Apparently there were several “Lady of the Lake” legends or stories or whatever the heck they are called.  THIS one was written by Sir Walter Scott, Bart., which The Droning Voice assumes stands for “Baronet”, though she acknowledges that it could mean something Piratical, since her mind went straight to “Black Bart”, God Only Knows Why.

Baronet (berənət) a member of the lowest hereditary titled British order, with the status of a commoner but able to use the prefix “Sir.”

At any rate, this was a VERY popular poem/story when it first came out, which probably meant the pirate or Baronet had to go on book tours explaining all the end notes in person.  Normally, The Droning Voice avoids tomes of any noted popularity, but this particular book was very appealing in that it was relatively small, and it had gilt-edged pages.  Plus it had words in GAELIC, which, if you thought The Droning Voice had a hard time with French, you should hear this.  If The Droning Voice has any Scottish listeners, please don’t allow this to become an International Incident.  And, in order to deflect any rage directed at her, she wants to point out that she once went to Edinburgh, and one of her hosts commented that people up around Inverness talk funny.

This has a bit of battle excitement in it, so be fore-warned.  Some people may find scenes of daring-do calming if not downright boring.  These people, by the way, need to be avoided. The printing was also somewhat patchy, in places, in this edition, so The Droning Voice stumbles here and there, trying to figure out exactly what was written by Sir Walter Scott, Bart.   Her performance, though, is, as always, delivered with the enthusiasm of asphalt, complete with potholes.

Oh, the poem?  It’s about Scottish stuff that happened in the reign of James V., at least as best as The Droning Voice could figure out.  She wasn’t paying close attention.

Sleep well!

Here is a sample of The Lady of the Lake:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Science of Life

January 27, 2021

“Must humanity forever ignore a subject thus infinitely eventful to all parents and children, communities and the race!  No, thunders out this volume!”  Just to be clear, the volume may thunder, but The Droning Voice does not.  In fact, she stumbled over a number of words in this book, some of which she is convinced the author made up.  Sometimes she even got to the end of a section without having any recollection of what she just droned, which is how enthralling this book is.

Because in the 1870s, phrenology was all the rage.  Or at least The Droning Voice supposes.  There are those that claim phrenology is a pseudo-science, which the Droning Voice is absolutely certain would send the Author of this tome into an seething rage.  Phrenology, according to Dr. Fowler, is a SCIENCE.  Period.  And if you do not use phrenology to help you select your life partner, then you deserve what is coming to you.  For those rubes out there who are unenlightened, phrenology is the SCIENCE of reading bumps on an individual’s head/skull with the idea that somebody trained in the SCIENCE of feeling said bumps can tell you all you need to know about that individual. You might be able to hide your seamy proclivities from your family and spouse, but not from a phrenologist.  It’s true because it is SCIENCE.

This was called “The Naughty Book” by the bookseller The Droning Voice purchased it from.  Really, the marketing ploy could not have been better, and caused the DV to shell out more money than she normally would have.  At over 1000 pages, this book did not disappoint, though was hardly titillating by today’s standards.  The sex ed portion was informative, but probably not as much as streaming porn is today.

Bits of this book may cause some sensitive souls to lift their fists in fury at the racism/sexism/whatever-ism is their particular outrage du jour.  The Droning Voice acknowledges their right to be outraged, and to encourage them to take solace in how far we have come in the 150 years since this was penned.  If taking solace doesn’t help, The Droning Voice suggests a safe room and an emotional support animal.

Dr. Fowler sternly admonishes against fashion, reading novels, breathing bad air, alcohol, and many more fun things which make life enjoyable.  The Droning Voice is sure he was just a bucket of fun at any party.

Dr. Fowler also explains what causes various birthmarks based on empirical evidence from his devotees.  Nearly all are caused by the mother-to-be craving a certain food, or by being startled by….something random.   Beware!!!

Here is a sample from Science of Life:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.