Author: mrsomner

Why Do I Do This?

2022-09-24

Just did WordPress’ Intro to Blogging > Getting Prepared > Understanding your why

I can remember a time when this might have been harder to answer. It’s a funny situation now. I retired by accident then understood that maybe I might have navigated that differently. Now I’d rather eat better than mac and cheese (plus our house costs a lot to heat and cool), and my wife (The Droning Voice herself) is after me to get a job at a big box store which I know would absolutely kill me. Reminds me of Jeff Dunham’s Walter the Walmart Greeter.

Dave Ramsey says old people don’t work at Walmart unless they have to. I don’t want to be that guy.

Meanwhile, she got this idea in her head that people could use help falling to sleep (an ongoing issue for her personally). I’ve built websites for years (but not with WordPress) and saw how we could do this experiment where she reads old books (she loves old books, can you tell?) in a boring and monotonous way (that part was her idea), wondering if people would find it valuable.

All that, and the girl can write!

tl-dr version is: working on my wife’s blog/podcast/thingy keeps me from having to apply to Walmart for a job.

Tom Swift and His Wireless Message

2022-09-04

This book claims to have been written by a very proper, The Droning Voice is sure, gentleman by the name of “Victor Appleton”. In reality, though, it was ghost-written by some shadowy member of the Stratmeyer Syndicate. THOSE people had an iron grip on fiction aimed at children of all ages, and trust The Droning Voice when she says you probably need to be VERY COMPLIMENTARY of their publications. The Droning Voice was morbidly curious about their reach, though, so, with trembling fingers, looked them up on Wikipedia.

OMG. They started publishing in 1899, and appear to have maybe finished up in 2005. Maybe. You never know.

There were also subsequent iterations of “Tom Swift”, but this particular book was published in the first set, before Tom became associated with witty adverbs, otherwise known as “Tom Swifties”.

No silly puns in THIS book, no sirree. In fact, one of the first things we need to do is examine the characters of the story, namely:

Tom Swift – Our hero, and youthful inventor of high character. Intimidated by a roomful of pretty girls. Well-respected by all except the town bully who is just jealous.
Andy Foger – said bully, and pain in the neck. After he destroys Tom’s lovely little monoplane, Tom declares Andy to be a “scoundrel”. Tom and Andy have a skirmish early in the book that, today, would have resulted in multiple felony chargers.
Mr. Wakefield Damon – Eccentric and fanboy of Tom. He blesses EVERYTHING, BTW. In this book, a few of his things he blesses include: watch-chain, multiplication tables, kitchen-range, collar button, shoe-laces, deflection rudder, pocket knife, radiator, individuality, gizzard, storage battery…you get the drift.
Mary Nestor – Tom’s girlfriend. She makes an appearance in the book mainly to provide apple turnovers, and to worry about her parents. Poor Mary had Tom drive her to the “Intelligence Office”, which is, apparently, where one went to find employees, when one’s cook abruptly quits on one for demanding apple turnovers, and one simply didn’t know what one was going to do. Mary certainly seemed incapable of creating apple turnovers. And, as everybody knows, the BEST cooks are Irish, so that is what Mary had to have. Not to be racist. Speaking of which
Eradicate Samson – is the handyman about town, who always travels with his trusty steed, Boomerang the mule. The Droning Voice points out that Tom lives in NY state, but that Eradicate speaks a particular “southern” dialect, which was dutifully transliterated by “Mr. Appleton”, and then attempted to be pronounced by The Droning Voice. If you thought her French was bad, just wait until you hear this. Also, The Droning Voice finds the name of this character particularly apt, and wonders if “cancel culture” won’t come for her, possibly beating the Stratmeyer Syndicate to the punch.

Oh, yeah. The plot. Most of the book is devoted to flying about either in Tom’s monoplane or on Mr. Fenwick’s airship, which, The Droning Voice assumes, was some sort of dirigible. At any rate, they load up this airship with piles of supplies for a test-flight/day journey, get caught in a hurricane, get swept down to somewhere near the West Indies and crash on an island which is about to collapse from earthquakes. The SAME island where Mary’s parents wind up shipwrecked from a pleasure cruise. Of course. And Tom, of course, figures out how to create a ham station from the airship wreckage, complete with shack, sends out “C.Q.D.” and gets them all rescued. Really, it’s a GREAT book. Please call off your goons.

Pleasant dreams, devoid of goons.

 

White Sox

2022-08-19

Just so you know, this slim book has NOTHING to do with the Black Sox Scandal.  Furthermore, it has nothing to do with Baseball OR Chicago, which is all good, at least to The Droning Voice. It is, in fact, about reindeer.

And, just so you know, this has nothing to do with any of the reindeer involved in pulling Santa’s sled full of toys. Nope. THIS book is sanctioned by the full backing of THE WORLD BOOK COMPANY, located in Yonkers-on-Hudson, NY, which is nowhere near the North Pole. All the action takes place kinda in that vicinity, though. The North Pole. Not Yonkers-on-Hudson. And, unlike many of the children’s books The Droning Voice has read, none of the critters in this book wear anything remotely resembling a monocule or top-hat or even spats. There is, however, a mention of a “seal-leather thong”, but The Droning Voice hastens to assure the listener that such a thong had a much different use back in the 1920s in Alaska than might be employed today, particularly in certain nightclubs in San Francisco.

This book teaches the listener probably more than they wanted to know about actual reindeer, and their caribou cousins up in the northern latitudes. It is the story of a wise Mother Reindeer teaching her young fawn, White Sox, all about being a reindeer. They manage, somehow – it is never explained how, exactly – to get away from their herd and hang with their caribou cousins for a while, where White Sox learns all about the hazards of living in the wild and being considered tasty to wolves. And he experiences “Antler Envy” when he notices his caribou cousins have larger antlers than he. The Droning Voice was glad his mother was able to assuage his youthful concerns in that area. Every good mother assures her son that size doesn’t really matter.

Also, at one point White Sox and his mom have to escape wolves by running into a marshy area that is basically a natural super-fund site, with oil just laying about the surface of the land and water. They slowly wade through it, knowing the wolves’ will have to turn back, and turning White Sox’s legs black in the process. Ick. It is a good (?) thing these oil lakes near Point Barrow were discovered by oil companies in the early 1920s, so that they could get to cleaning them up. So to speak.

If you simply MUST know where Point Barrow is, the author of this book, Mr. Lopp, tells the student to open up a map of Alaska and find the 71st parallel. The Droning Voice managed to find it on her ca. 1960’s era globe, which also has all kinds of countries on it that no longer technically exist.

Mother Reindeer then tells White Sox the history of how the reindeer came to be in the service of man (woman, humans, LGBTQMNOP) involving a caribou fawn named “White Feet”, but given what he DID, should’ve been call “Brown Nose”. The Droning Voice will leave it at that.

Sweet dreams with visions of sugar plums!

Here is a sample of White Sox:

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Tale of Jasper Jay

2022-08-04

“Dandy” – “Rowdy” – “Scamp”

The above terms are what Mr. Bailey used to describe Jasper Jay. Clearly Mr. Bailey disapproved of flashy attire, no matter who was wearing it. If one was a “dandy”, the other adjectives naturally followed. The Droning Voice can only imagine what sort of words he would have used to describe a peacock, which, to The Droning Voice looks like the avian version of a Drag Queen but with even MORE pizzazz (if such a thing were possible).

This book starts (and ends) with what Jasper Jay likes to eat, particularly beechnuts. Since The Droning Voice had only vaguely heard of beechnuts, preferring to get her nuts pre-shelled, roasted, salted, and dished out in handy cans, she went to the ‘net to provide you a link complete with pictures so that you can go forage some for yourself. She read somewhere that they are edible, so it HAS to be true.

Oh, and Blue Jays are NOISY, in case you didn’t already know.

She learned about an ailment (suffered by Old Mr. Crow) called “Housemaid’s Knee”, which turns out to be some kind of inflammation of the bursa behind the patella (knee cap). The Droning Voice was unaware that crows even HAD knees, much less were in the domestic employment industry. Okie-dokey.

She also learned that Mrs. Green called her family in to meals by blowing some sort of instrument, though it is never stated what kind. A trombone? An alpine horn? A digeridoo? A shofar? The imagination runs wild.

If you stay awake long enough, you will find out that the “Pleasant Valley Singing Society”, lead by a Mr. Valentine Veery, liked to sing “Good Night Ladies”.

And with THAT ear worm, The Droning Voice wishes you …

Pleasant Dreams!

Here is a sample of The Tale of Jasper Jay:

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Automobile Engineering Part One

2022-07-19

The wide-awake listener has The Droning Voice’s brother-in-law to thank for this particular selection. Where he obtained it is unknown, though The Droning Voice acknowledges his mechanical prowess when it comes to motors of all kinds. Still…1917? One assumes there has been a certain amount of progress in that area, but one never knows. The Droning Voice certainly doesn’t.

This book had PAGES of authors and contributors, all of whom were experts in Automobile Engineering, The Droning Voice is sure. And she read ALL their names out loud, including that of Sir Hiram Maxim who invented many useful household items, including the hair-curling iron, the mousetrap, and the automatic machine gun.  Not to be confused with Hiram Percy Maxim, the co-founder of the American Radio Relay League.  The original Radio Boy, after growing up with the inventor of the automatic machine gun for his dad, invented the silencer.  His dad would have been so proud.

There were names of automobiles listed which, while perhaps familiar and well-loved by vintage car enthusiasts, were completely unfamiliar to The Droning Voice. For instance, the Franklin, and the Marmon. She is confident these noble vehicles had at least as much integrity as any American cars manufactured in the 1970s, and certainly were classier. Exhibit A would be the AMC Gremlin. Or Ford Pinto. Or whatever car it was that might explode at any given moment.

There were all kinds of terms The Droning Voice had never heard of including “babbitt” (which has TWO wildly differing definitions), “broaching”(which has even more definitions), “bosses” (don’t get The Droning Voice started), and “dog” which, given the context, The Droning Voice assumed had something to do with automotive repairs. She was delighted however, when, after she typed in “dog” looking for the actual definition regarding automotive repair, Google instead took her straight to automatic dog toy ball launchers. Any automotive repair shop worth its salt should have at least one of these, as well as an actual, you know, DOG (arf, arf).

At some point she even read “en bloc”, which shouldn’t have surprised her, given the reputation France has for producing outstanding AND reliable cars.

Also, every GOOD auto shop should have a stethoscope on hand, according to this book, supposedly to listen to the crankcase. The Droning Voice thinks it may also be handy when the repair bill is handed over to the customer.

Oh, and there was something about “road inequalities”. The Droning Voice had NO IDEA this was even a thing back in 1917, and thinks it should be resurrected immediately. Those with hair-trigger indignation have your marching orders.

Pleasant Dreams!

Here is a sample of Automotive Engineering Part One:

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

The Droning Voice Adds Samples

2022-07-07

After The Droning Voice opened the gates to her website, allowing web-crawlers and search engine robots to have their way with her content, The People™ also commented they would like to hear more samples.

As The People™ wish is The Droning Voice’s command.  At great personal expense to her free time, she had her indentured servant generate a 90-second sample of each of the books (29 books at this writing) so she could post them on each book’s individual page.

The Droning Voice wishes to remind The People™ that unlimited access to the full versions of her monotonous readings of all these books, cover to cover, are available for the reasonably low cost of $5 per month.  To subscribe to The Droning Voice you go here, click the “I agree” box, and follow the rest of the directions.  She thanks you in advance.

 

The Eclectic Complete Book-keeping

2022-07-05

“Double-entry book-keeping, while a science, deserves to rank among the Fine Arts.”

Yeah, tell that to the judge. The Droning Voice won’t name NAMES, but is certain that many politicians AND corporations, of which, due to their artistic book-keeping practices, are either in prison or no longer exist.

This book was so incredibly tedious that The Droning Voice had to space her drones of it with not just one, but TWO other books. When she finally finished the last page, there was great rejoicing involving a bowl of Chocolate Mint ice-cream.

One of the phrases, used repeatedly in this book, which helped The Droning Voice stay awake was “his business” – a term which her grandfather-in-law used to refer to a gentleman’s naughty bits. One of the passages reads, in part “the number and kind of books required depend…on the extent of his business.”  Adolescent snickering ensued. Really, it is always good to know what one’s business is up to.

While The Droning Voice is KEENLY aware this book is all about book-keeping, she also believes growing one’s vocabulary, especially about popular terms for male genitalia. If you would like to know even more terms for this particular piece of anatomy, she enthusiastically recommends the Big Damn Book of Sheer Manliness.

Also, there is poetry in this book, which surprised The Droning Voice. She didn’t realize accountants could be so…romantic.

“By Journal laws what we receive
Is Debtor made to what we give.
Stock for our debts must Debtor be,
And creditor for property.
Profit and Loss accounts are plain;
We debit Loss and credit Gain.”

The Droning Voice knows that people often like to tout their credentials after their names, but was stunned to see what Mr. Mayhew was proud to proclaim, though understands that, in a way, he WAS pimping himself out to book publishers. She is certain he made a fortune.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Eclectic Complete Book-keeping:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

 

 

The Tale of Jolly Robin

2022-06-10

The Droning Voice learned a LOT about birds in this little book. For instance, she learned that birds, according to the author, Arthur Scott Bailey, can READ. Or at least Jasper Jay can, but then members of that particular family of birds are notably intelligent by human standards, though some people would argue that isn’t really saying much. But still.

Speaking of Jasper Jay, the author did mention the ornithological fact that Jays and Crows are cousins. Important to the plot line, because Old Mr. Crow actually hires Jolly Robin to laugh for him – an early adoptee of the practice of engaging a claque. However, Jolly Robin, not having the intelligence of members of the corvid family (The Droning Voice knows WAY too much about birds), spends his time laughing at Old Mr. Crow and winds up getting fired. Oh, well. One can only hope Jolly Robin was able to file for unemployment.

There were other not-too-exciting plots involving a snowman, a (spoiler) weather vane, and a four-armed man who was lugging pails of milk into the “buttery”. The Droning Voice was confident she knew the meaning of “buttery,” assuming that, since the man was hauling milk from the cow barn into some sort of room, the milk was going to be churned into butter. Imagine her surprise when she went online to verify her assumption and discovered that while a “buttery” is, in fact, a room, it is a room for storing LIQUOR. So, in this book written for children, there is a reference to some pre-prohibition dairy-based moonshine still at Farmer Green’s “farm.” Hey, go see for yourself.

And, of course, Old Mr. Crow knew ALL about it, making him an accomplice in this little enterprise.

Jolly Robin also gets in BIG trouble with his wife for staying out all night with that good-for-nothing Willie Whip-poor-will. Take note, gentlemen. If you want to keep your wife smiling, don’t stay out all night with Willie Whip-poor-will (or anybody else).

And with that bit of wisdom, pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Tale of Jolly Robin:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.

Public Launch

2022-05-15

The Droning Voice herself has been working tirelessly for years and years to amass enough content to launch this website. We are pleased to announce that we finally threw the Big Switch and took the site live, for better or worse.

The Alternative

2022-04-24

The Droning Voice knows she promised, at some point, to never drone one of those insipid romance novels with formulaic plots involving muscular, brooding heroes, and saucy heroines whose bodices can barely contain their ample bosoms.

And she is keeping her promise (so far).

THIS romance novel (she is guessing it is a romance novel) gives the listener a peek into the life of an early 20th century New York Society gentleman.  They belonged to various clubs, they attended the best universities, they had fanciful nicknames, and, above all, they did NOT have jobs.  They, apparently, lived off the interest from trust funds and hoped to marry a wealthy heiress (or widow), the better to keep from having to get an actual JOB.

This appears to have really been a thing.  Heck, it may still be, for all The Droning Voice knows.  SHE lives, very happily, FAR from New York City Society and so is blissfully ignorant of the daily grind those folks must feel…determining which party invitation to accept (or decline), who to snub, which club to join.  But she is not without empathy.  “There, there”, she says, consoling the New York City Society elite. “There, there.”

AT ANY RATE, the hero in this romance (?) ultimately decides to marry only for love, and the object of his affection has been lowered in rank to “secretary” (gasp!), though was, of course, from one of New York’s finest, though fallen, families.  And then he (double gasp!!) actually Gets A Job, sending his poor father into a fit of apoplexy.  The beautiful secretary, of course, is extremely proper, only allowing color to rise in her cheeks as she demurely returns, briefly, a squeeze of his hand.  Then there is a pretty little tableau at the end, leaving our couple close together, him gently kissing her closed eyes as she rests her head on his chest (or something like that), as her hand delicately caresses his cheek.

No cold showers needed after THIS book is read, though, given the descriptions of a blizzard, a nice cup of something warm may help one be thankful for modern heating systems.  It may also help you drift off to sleep.

Pleasant dreams!

Here is a sample of The Alternative:

 

This is a short example of The Droning Voice.  Subscribers can access the full-length version and really put themselves to sleep.  Here is how to subscribe.